


Our Sweet Way of Life

by Thranduils_bxtch



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive Relationships, College AU, Depression, F/M, Fire, Human AU, Human Castiel, Human Gabriel, I don't know how to tag shit, M/M, Suicide Attempt, The Pizza Man, Weechesters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-03
Updated: 2014-01-26
Packaged: 2017-12-25 11:21:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/952477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thranduils_bxtch/pseuds/Thranduils_bxtch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam and Dean Winchester are used to moving across the country at the blink of an eye without any regret or remorse, they've grown up this way and don't expect it to change anytime soon. But when young Castiel, Dean's best and only friend confesses his love for him, Dean runs away from John with him and his young lover. They get caught and separate for seven years, until Dean shows up on Castiel's doorstep.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pain.

**Author's Note:**

> I've posted this on Wattpad, but I just wanted to post it on here. A lot more people like it and I honestly like it more, plus Wattpad pisses me off sometimes...

Warm breaths started fogging up the glass in front of the two boys, they watched as one of the boy’s fingers gently traced over the wet residue. They both smiled warmly as a large smiley face filled up the white covered window.

The boy with the now slightly wet finger smiled warmly at other next to him, his green eyes sparkled as they met with the lighter green ones of the younger boy. The younger’s messy brown hair went up in every direction from the long night they’d faced; their dad hadn’t been home again and the older boy had been forced to watch after the younger.

The boy on the right let out a loud laugh and shoved his older brother with his free hand, the other was clasped tightly around a thick novel. The boy had always been the smarter of the two, and the other had always tried his hardest to get anything he could for the other’s education. Though their father usually disapproved of some of the lengths the older boy went through to get books, notebooks, and pencils for the younger boy.

The one in the leather jacket let out a loud laugh when he saw the other boy fidget and start stroking the book spine. He could tell the boy wanted nothing more than to open the aged, yellowing pages and soak in every word of the now dead writer. The boy had always said that Tolkien was his favorite writer, and could read his many books however many times as he wanted.

“Shut up, Dean.” The younger boy picked his hand up off the book and took his other hand, the older watched in interest as Sam’s fingers pressed against each other, and gently circled the skin against his palm. They both let out sighs at the same time, both letting the breaths fog over the now dripping smile.

On any normal day Dean wouldn’t have any of these ‘chick flick’ moments with his little brother, but now he needed a real friend; unlike the one who’d pushed him away earlier. Like all friends, they’d had their fights. But this one had gotten out of hand before either of them could stop it, Cas had yelled at Dean for leaving, again. And the words he’d screamed at the boy were now carved permanently in his head and were on a replaying, constant loop.

Dean’s father job required the three of them to constantly be on the move, going from city to city and state to state. They had been in Boulder, Colorado for over a year, half because Dean had begged and begged for John to let them stay. But now even Dean knew begging was useless. John was needed in Lexington, Kentucky, which was over four states away. It was also their longest move from their hometown in Kansas.

The two Winchester brothers, fourteen and ten, had only a few more hours in the shabby apartment until their father had their bags packed in the back of the Impala and Boulder growing small behind them. The thoughts of leaving still made Dean’s stomach drop, he’d miss his best friend. Cas had been there for Dean when no one else had been and stood behind the boy when everyone else had abandoned him.

Though Dean had only known the boy for a year, they had grown closer then Dean had ever imagined. He’d never had a real friend and Cas had been everything he could have wanted, especially since Sammy fit in and had many friends outside the family he barely spent any time with Dean anymore.

There was a loud knock on the door across the room from where the two boys sat, startling them out of their slight daze. Dean was the first of the two to react and grabbed Sam’s arm, leaning in towards the boy and quietly whispering, “Sam, go to your room.”

Their father was a gambler and many bad memories were stirred at the sound of violent knocking on the door. Many black eyes had been given both to Dean and John from Dean’s father habit to forget what he owes. Dean didn’t want anything to happen to Sam so it was accustom for Dean to send Sam to his room to avoid getting hit by the men who had beef with their father.

Dean pulled in a soft breath as his hand wrapped around the doorknob, in a swift movement he flung the door open. Expecting a fist, or screams, the teenager was shocked to see a short, teary-eyed, black haired boy standing in the doorway. The two boys stared at each other in slight shock as a choked sob escaped the shorter boy’s lips.

“Cas…” Before anything more could escape either of their lips, the crying boy threw his arms around Dean; letting out shaky, uneven breaths as he held him tightly.

“Cas, what’s wrong?” in an awkward attempt to comfort his close, and only friend, Dean gently rubbed his back, hugging him tighter in the process. Though Dean had been trying to comfort him, his efforts seemed to have done the exact opposite. At the sound of Dean’s voice, Cas jerked away from him and ran his hand nervously through his black hair.

“I’m-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t-shouldn’t be here…” he turned to go, his breath still uneven and shaky, though before he could take any more than a step, Dean’s hand grasped firmly around Castiel’s wrist.

“Cas, you’re such an idiot. What’s wrong?” Dean’s voice was soft and gentle, unlike with many of their previous conversations.

But again, Cas jerked away from Dean’s grasp, choking on his sobs and letting his cheeks get wet with his tears. “What’s wrong? What’s wrong?! You’re my only friend, Dean! Everyone here hates me! No one has ever accepted me before you! And now you’re just leaving? And you didn’t even tell me till this morning? And not only that, but you’ve treated me like shit for days. It’s like you’ve wanted me to hate you… Dean, what’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you!?” his breaths had turned jagged and even more uneven when he realized what he’d said. Cas had never been the yelling type. He was more of a bookworm, preferring to look at his Chemistry books rather than Dean’s Playboys, and this had been the second time in that day alone Cas had raised his voice at Dean, as pathetic as that sounded.

“Cas, I’m sorry! And if I could, I’d stay! You’re my best friend! Like I want to leave you? I love Boulder! I fit in better than I’ve ever fit in anywhere else! You’re like a brother to me Cas, I’m sorry for acting the way I did. Cas, I didn’t know how to react… When my dad said we had to move, I flipped ok? But Cas, I’m sorry! But I can’t do anything!” Dean let out a gentle breath and his tense muscles relaxed as his brilliant green eyes scanned over the blue-eyed boy.

“Dean, please! Stay! We can convince your dad! Maybe, maybe if it’s ok with Gabriel… You can stay. Maybe even Sam can! But Dean, you’re my only friend! They all hate me! Even Anna and Gabriel do, and they’re my family…” Cas had taken a few steps closer to Dean with deep, sad, puppy eyes.

“Cas… We’re fourteen years old- wait, who drove you here?” Dean stood straighter and cocked his head slightly, looking at the boy with worry. He’d barely noticed how soaking wet his clothes and hair were.

“I, uh, walked.” He nervously jammed his hand in his old, dirty trench coat pockets.

“Three miles?! Cas! Get your ass in here!” Dean grabbed the boy’s shirt collar and pulled him into the apartment before he could protest or attempt to leave. Gently shoving the shorter teen into the room, Dean spotted Sammy peeking around a corner by his room.

“It’s fine Sam, just Cas.” Sam smiled warmly, The Hobbit tucked under his arm and a light skip in his step, Sam didn’t seem to register Castiel’s tears or the yelling that had taken place moments before.

Cas let out an exaggerated sigh and fell against the old couch cushions, instantly wrapping up tightly in the spare blanket on the arm of the sofa, and Dean went into the kitchen to get Cas something warm to drink. He could barely believe that he’d walked three miles in the rain just to bicker with Dean. But, at the same time he was relived Cas had come.

Dean was halfway through making the raspberry tea Castiel had left in the Winchester kitchen when a few of the words between Sam and Castiel’s conversation drifted into the kitchen.

“So, did Dean really have sex with Amy at that party last weekend? It’s all everyone’s talking about at school.”

“Um, I feel uncomfortable talking about your brother’s sex life…”

“Oh my god, he did!”

“SAM!” Dean’s yell was heard in the kitchen, startling the two out of their conversation. “Dammit, Cas.” Dean let out a slightly annoyed sigh, he didn’t need Sam knowing about Amy and him losing his virginity because if Sam knew, their father wasn’t far behind.

He let out a breath and took the mug, taking it out to Cas, trying not to let the hot liquid overflow onto his hand and burn him. Glaring at the blue eyed idiot, he handed him his tea then sat on the other side of him.

Sam looked smug, Dean wanted to wipe that damn look right off him. Cas was shivering, trying to curl up further into the blanket and drinking as much tea as he could without burning himself. Dean let out another sigh and shrugged the leather jacket off his shoulders and onto Cas’s, feeling his protective tendencies overtake their whole ‘personal space, Cas’ talk they had almost daily.

Dean let out another sigh when Cas’s blue eyes met his with a pleading, puppy look. Snorting with slight annoyance, Dean slowly got up and made his way to his room, grabbing the blankets off his own bed and heading back to the wet boy on his couch.

Castiel let out a pleasured moan when Dean wrapped his blankets gently around his shoulders, smacking the back of his black haired head at the sound of the moan.

Dean fell back against the couch, smiling softly at Castiel as the boy kept drinking the raspberry tea, “This is very nice, Dean, thank you.”

“Don’t mention it, you calmed down now?” Dean nudged him gently and smiled at him, earning another sigh and his shoulders sinking slightly.

“Are you going to consider my offer? Gabriel is always hosting those… Women.” Cas rolled his eyes at the last part and glanced at Dean with a look of slight worry and excitement. Dean knew he wanted nothing more than to have Dean stay with him and his brother.

“Because they give him sex, I am not having sex with your older brother.” Dean’s eyebrows raised and he wrapped his arm gently around the boy’s shoulders.

“But I’m serious, Dean, you’re my best friend-“ he shifted uncomfortably until the other boy cut him off.

“Sam, piss off. And wipe that ugly smirk off your face.” Sam’s smirk wavered and he clutched the book tightly before storming off to his room to read about half the book in under an hour.

Once Sam was out of sight behind a closed door Dean turned to Cas with a small smile, “Cas… I really, really wanna stay... But, I mean, Sam needs somebody, and John sure as hell isn’t going to be that somebody. I need to go-“

Dean was cut off by a certain number of events, the first was Castiel dropping his mug, breaking the glass and letting raspberry tea spill on the ugly tan rug, then Cas shouldering the blankets off his shoulders and gripping Dean tightly before pressing his lips against the other boy’s.

Cas kissed Dean roughly and hungrily, like he’d been waiting for that moment for a long time. Dean could only assume, unlike Castiel who’d been crushing on the boy from the moment he set foot in Colorado.

Castiel was absorbed in Dean’s soft lips, which tasted like pizza and Pepsi. Where Dean was more focused on the fact his best friend was kissing him, a guy, and for some reason he kinda liked it.

It took Dean a few more seconds to register the pleasure he was feeling, then to actually move his own lips. At the same moment Dean pulled away with a loud gasp and pushed away from Cas, sitting himself as far from the other boy as possible.

“Cas- Um… I, oh god…” Dean stood up and glanced at Cas, who looked as horror stricken as Dean.

Dean could still taste the coconut and watermelon taste of Castiel on his lips and breath. It made him shudder, he was straight. He liked girls, he lost his virginity to a girl. He’d made out with girls, and only girls. Before now, anyways; even though he’d only kissed back for a second.

“I should, return home.” Cas stood up abruptly, avoiding the broken glass and started for the door.

“Cas, it’s still raining. Listen… It’s weird, but… I can’t let you… Leave, just, um… you can sit in my room, I’ll clean up the mess…” Dean started for the broken glass, gently picking up the larger pieces, trying to keep his distance from Cas so it wouldn’t be too awkward between the two.

Cas nodded and grabbed the blankets, heading towards Dean’s room to avoid him.

Dean was left alone with his thoughts and the taste of Cas. Dean had all the glass in his hands when he threw it away, clear of cuts, fortunately. Dean grabbed some towels and soap and water to clean up the tea.

Dean was hungry though.

Ever since the Amy adventure last weekend he’d only wanted more, and more, and more.

Dean had cleaned up the tea leaving only a clear wet mark in the carpet from where Cas had spilled the tea.

With the towels in the laundry room and the soap back by the sink Dean made his way back to his room. Opening the door he saw Cas sitting on his bed with his hands in his lap and his eyes half closed.

Dean’s thoughts were running ramped, the coconut taste was still running through his blood and he only wanted more of the blue eyed boy. He shut the door behind him and locked the door, that had caught Castiel’s attention. He looked up and bit his bottom lip softly, “Dean… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be…” Dean took a few steps towards Cas, closing the distance between them and pressing his lips roughly against the other boy’s. The coconut taste instantly washed over him, ten times better than before. And to Dean’s great surprise and pleasure Castiel kissed him back. His hand were weaved into Dean’s hair and his lips moving in sync with Dean’s.

Dean knew about Cas, he knew Castiel had only kissed one girl in his life and that was when he was in kindergarten. But he’d never gone any further, but for a virgin. Cas kissed like he’d been doing it for years. He was a very fast learner, and Dean loved it.

Though Dean had never thought of Castiel as anything more than a friend, and now he understood why he was so protective of the boy. For a year he’d protected Cas tooth and nail like he was a brother. He never let anyone give the boy in the dirty trench coat shit, and if they did they had a Winchester to deal with.

Dean didn’t fit in, but he was good with girls and most guys were scared of him and John. His father had a history of getting into fights with boy’s fathers, beating them near an inch of their lives. Dean used to hate it until John beat one of Castiel’s bullies. It’d been almost beautiful as the bloody father had made his son apologize to Cas.

Dean would do anything for Cas, but he’d never thought of him as anything more than a friend. It haunted him to know he’d missed out of Castiel’s amazing lips as long as he had.

Pulling himself further onto the boy under him, Dean pulled his lips off Castiel’s and pressed them against his neck, moaning softly and quietly as the too-soft skin was pressed against Dean’s tongue.

“Dean…” To Dean’s interest, Cas shoved his hand down his pants, holding Dean’s hips and pulling him further onto him.

“We gotta, be quiet for Sam.” Dean’s voice sounded more gravelly than normal as he rolled his hips against Cas’s. Dean’s lips found Castiel’s again and he kissed him, it was almost like it was a dream. Dean had never kissed a boy before, but now it felt right. There had always been something off when he kissed girls. He’d assumed because he had supposed to have been watching Sam, but instead he’d been fooling around with some girl.

And suddenly… There was a loud banging against Dean’s door followed by a loud yell which could only belong to the John Winchester.

“Dean! Get your skinny white-ass out here!”

Dean pulled off Cas, and they looked at each other in shock before Dean scrambled up, fixing his hair and glanced down at his jeans, luckily he was more immune to intimate acts than Castiel was.

“Cas. Put something, on…” Dean threw the blanket on Castiel, covering his… ungoverned parts.

Dean walked to the door and opened it slowly, showing his dad he had company, “Hey dad…”

But John was obviously too drunk to notice Cas on the bed, sitting and trying his hardest to act normal and cover his ‘parts’.

“Your bags packed?” John leaned against the doorway, his breath reeking of whiskey and tobacco.

“Yeah, dad.” Dean nodded and looked at John with large green eyes.

“We’re leaving in the morning, crack of dawn and I don’t need your shit about not wanting to go. I’m going to have a monster hangover.” John swayed slightly and attempted to stand up, falling back against the doorway with a small laugh.

“Do you need anything dad?” Dean ran a hand through his hair with a small sigh and glanced back at Cas.

“Who’s in there? It ain’t that slut I caught last time?” John peered around the corner, leaning over Dean and practically falling onto Dean.

“No dad, it’s just Cas. I’ll be ready in the morning, and I helped Sammy pack. We’re both ready, do you need anything else dad?” Dean bit his lip slightly and tried shutting the door on his father, ignoring the small protest he put up.

“Fine, fine. Just don’t do anything stupid.”

“I always do.” Dean finally shut the door and turned back to Cas with a slightly worried look in his green eyes.

“Cas, I don’t want to go.”

“Then don’t! Dean, really Gabriel will take you in!” Cas sat up, his erection gone. Thank god, Dean was accepting. The thought of Cas having different parts than he was accustom to was still too much for him to handle.

“Cas, no. Listen, I’m taking you and Sammy and we’re getting out of here.” Dean grabbed the closest bag to him and threw his blankets in it, followed by some clothes in another bag close by.

“What?!” Cas sat up completely, their make out session behind them.

Almost immediately after Cas’s exclamation there was a loud scream in the living room followed by a shattering noise which could only be John smashing his Bud bottle against the wall and yelling at Sam for doing god knows what wrong.

“Cas, you said so yourself, everyone hates us here! Cas, I Sam and I have been saving for years, and you have that five hundred stashed away in your room! We could go to my uncle’s! Bobby would take us in, or at least help us. He’s as against John as we are! Come on Cas! Take a risk!” Dean heard another angry roar in the other room followed by a loud thud.

At this point though, Cas had started and helping Dean pack his things, “Dean, come on… This is crazy.”

“I’m a crazy man, Cas.” And Dean pressed a kiss against Cas’s lips and pulled back with a large smile before throwing his bag over his shoulder and started towards Sammy’s room.


	2. Patience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> || Dean shoved all his food into their bags and started out of the restaurant and took Cas’s hand once again and led the two other boys towards the direction of the train station. It was going to be a long day, but with a full stomach and Cas’s hand locked in his own, Dean felt just fine. ||

-Six months before-

“Cas, go to sleep or my dad will wake up.” The boy in the dark green plaid pajamas sat up to look at his blue eyed best friend, who was wide awake and staring out a window next to the two.

The boys had shared a bed before, they didn’t mind it at all, especially after the recent events. All the boys at their school had found out that Dean called Castiel ‘Cas’ and so they’d all decided it’d be funny to call him Cassandra. It’d hadn’t bugged Cas at all, he was used to the ridicule, but it was fine until they started saying the two friends were having sex in the janitor’s closet. 

Everyone had pinned against them until even the teachers couldn’t ignore it, they had chosen to send Dean home for suspension and had earned Castiel two weeks detention for fooling around. Though the accusations were false, Castiel couldn’t help but look at Dean and feel hope that maybe one day they would get caught fooling around at school. But Dean was straight, even in the back of Castiel’s mind he knew that.

“Dean, you didn’t see how furious Balthazar was. He threatened to hit me… He’s never done that before…” The boy’s head burrowed deeper into his knees, only his eyes visible as he gazed at Dean with adoration.

Dean pulled himself under the covers next to Cas, smiling warmly at him to bring him some sort of comfort, “Cas, you’ll always have a home here, with me.” Though Dean’s eyes met Castiel’s blue ones with brotherly love and appreciation, his mind didn’t make out the pure love and longing in his eyes. Castiel had looked at Dean as if he was the only thing holding him to this world, like he was all his blue eyes could see, all he wanted to see. But Dean only saw the worry, not the love. It’s not a happy thought, knowing he could have saved his best friend the one way he needed saving, but Dean had been to strong headed to think twice about the love in his eyes.

ιll Present Time ιlı.

“Dean, wake up.” It was the voice of soft velvet followed by a slight shaking that woke the fully clothed boy from his dreams. His brilliant green orbs met his companion’s and a smile crossed over his rough features. They’d been running for two days now and resting whenever they had a chance.

They were young though, their bodies tired easily. Especially Sam, who had insisted on bringing his whole collection of classic novels. But even then, who was carrying those? The older brother, the leader of the group of three. He was in charge of their small amount of food and money, and had unwillingly become their caretaker.

When Sam fell or grew tired, it was Dean’s job to find his brother a place to lay his head. When either grew hungry it was Dean’s job to feed them, even if it meant sacrificing his own food supply. He’d wrapped cuts, carried the three bags they were sharing between them, and had even washed Sam’s clothes in a creek so he didn’t have to deal with his complaining.

But with a little brother in tow, there wasn’t much time for sexual curiosity between the two teenage boys who were raging with hormones.

Since the kiss they’d shared the day they’d left, the fourteen year olds had not discussed it or taken it any further, they had though shared small pecks on the cheeks and lips when Sam wasn’t looking. But nothing more.

Dean, barely rested, groaned loudly and sat up further. They’d slept in an old barn that night, normally they slept in fields and cabins they found, not to be occupied till spring. Though Dean loathed their father, John had taught him many things that had saved the boys many times already.

Sioux Falls, South Dakota was still over 600 miles away, but it was all for a good reason. Dean had managed to contact the man who’d played a father figure in the Winchester brothers’ lives, and Sam and Dean had a home when they reached there. Bobby had told the boys to stay put and that he’d be there in a few days, already on a hunting trip in Canada, but Dean refused. He said if John even had some sense he’d be coming after the brothers, and they needed to keep moving.

Castiel’s family was no doubt looking for him as well, though he had insisted on leaving his sister a note saying he was leaving and that he was sorry, and that they’d meet again. It’d touched Dean to see how the teardrops had fallen onto the wrinkled paper, he’d been unable to resist but to kiss him softly, wiping his tears away.

They’d travelled no more than eighty miles from the old apartment, but they were close to a train station and planned on driving for as long as they could afford than walking the rest of the way.

Cracking his back obnoxiously, Dean stretched his body widely then started towards the entrance. Sammy was reading from a book Dean had, ‘borrowed’ from a book store downtown. But the brother looked up to watch Dean gather their things, they were running low on food again. Dean would have to get more, maybe even eat some finally.

Taking a few long strides out into the warm air, Dean instantly let his muscles relax and his body grow limp. He fell to the ground with a content grin, his eyes looked up at the sky. He should be getting food, but now all he wanted to do was lie down and watch the sky pass by him.

The sun was suddenly blocked from his vision for a moment before he felt added weight against his outstretched arm; looking over he saw Castiel with his head resting on Dean’s arm. The action made both boys smile, they didn’t even care if Sam saw at this point, they were together.

“I think we can make it to the station today, then we’re home free, Cas.” The taller boy’s smile grew and his eyes looked back up at the large blue sky above them. Colorado skies were the best, you could just look up and see everything, for forever. They were the best thing about the state as far as Dean could tell, besides Cas.

The boys were silent for a long time after that, just staring up at the heavens above them, they were lost in the beauty of the world over them and the warmth they found in each other; everything else meant nothing to them. They pointed to clouds passing over their heads and to birds flying from tree to tree in the distance. But they both grew quiet after some while, just looking.

Finally the boy on the right stirred enough so Castiel, who’d dozed off slightly, woke with a small jolt and sat up, blinking widely and staring back down at Dean.

It’d been almost an hour and a half since Castiel had woken Dean up, they were running behind. It’d take them longer now to reach the station, Dean picked himself up; stretching enough to make his neck and several other bones to crack loudly.

Turning his back away from the scenery he and Castiel had been gazing at only moments before. Dean opened the entrance of the barn and found Sam the way he’d left him an hour ago, he was almost done with the book now and would no doubt beg Dean to fetch him another by the end of the day. Taking a few steps towards the younger boy, Dean gently nudged his knee, “Hey, Sammy, time to go.”

The other boy didn’t even pay his brother any attention till he finished the page, looking up at his green eyed brother with raised eyebrows; he shut the book and tucked it in his bag without saying a word.

The silence bothered Dean on enough levels for him to let out a small, nervous, “Bitch.” Towards Sam’s turned back.

It took Sam several seconds to react, turning back to his brother with a small smile he added a loud, “Jerk.” Before turning back and walking outside with his bag slung over his shoulder, hopefully it’d be a while before he made Dean carry it. His brother was not in the mood to be carrying everyone’s things today.

Dean did a quick run through of the barn floor, checking to make sure all their belonging were safely tucked away and ready to be dragged across twenty miles of Colorado land.

He finished his sweep in less than five minutes and walked outside to meet Sam and Cas deep in conversation; most likely discussing fictional characters by how excited they both got when Sam motioned to the book in his hand. Groaning loud enough to break the two apart, Dean strode past them; hopefully snapping enough sense into both them to follow him.

Sure enough, seconds later Cas strode next to him, smiling sheepishly. He looked so young, too young to be running from their families out in the open wild. Back home they had protection, as much as Dean hated to admit it; his old man had pulled him out of plenty of situations he hadn’t been able to manage on his own. And Castiel had his brother, Gabriel who had been a father figure since his biological father had passed away and his eldest brother had moved away. Michael had had too much hate to live under the same roof as Gabriel, who’d always been a trickster, pranking all the siblings whenever he got the chance. Castiel and Anna had loved it, watching Michael, who had always been too mean, get sprayed with vegetable oil from a hose or whatever else Gabriel had come up with.

Cas didn’t have that when he’d left; his family had become distant towards their brother. Calling him rude names and saying he embarrassed them, he’d born into a family of loud, noisy, rebels. And Cas was more of a silent boy, he believe in the good of people; unlike his ‘shoot first, ask questions later’ siblings.

Dean didn’t believe they hated him as Castiel always insisted, he believed they’d all been through a lot and found different ways of coping with their internal pain.

Breathing in a loud sigh, Dean found Castiel had slipped his hand in his own, interweaving their fingers like he’d dreamed about doing for so long. Dean enjoyed the electric feeling Castiel’s touch sent rattling down his spine, he didn’t care if Sam saw at this point. He just wanted to be touching the boy in the dirty, old trench coat.

Out of the corner of his eye, Dean saw Cas turn a light shade of pink. Seeing the boys blush only made Dean match his complexion. “Sammy, you eat anything this morning?” Dean craned his neck over his shoulder to look at the quiet ten year old trailing behind the young lovers.

“I finished the chips with Cas.” Sam smiling weakly at Dean, his eyes begging slightly; trying to tell his brother even with the few chips that’d settled in his stomach he was still hungry. Dean didn’t even need his brother puppy eyes to know he was hungry. Even if he had been full, Dean would have wanted him to have a proper breakfast.

“You still hungry? Cause I think we’ve earned burgers.” Dean smirked warmly at his brother before looking forward, sneaking glances at his linked hands whenever he got a chance.

“How much further? I want to see Bobby.” Sam was obviously struggling with walking with the bag he was carrying. Dean could tell by the snapping branches behind him and the sound of slipping rubber.

“Today we could maybe make it to the station, but it might be late. So we might have to stay there a night… Want me to get your bag?” Dean gave Cas’s hand a tight squeeze before dropping it and turning back to Sam, holding out a hand for his brother’s bag.

The younger gladly gave it to Dean, “I’ll get it as soon as we eat.”

“Sure you will.” Rolling his eyes affectionately, Dean turned forward again and grabbed Castiel’s hand. Holding it as before, and earning another blush from his blue-eyed companion.

They walked for a while in silence, occasionally catching each other from falls and helping each other as they walked into a dense forest. Dean helped Cas as he looked at the map Sam had smuggled from their father, they were on the right path now. Yesterday they’d gone about a mile to the right, but now they were going the right way.

Suddenly Dean felt his brother tug on his free hand’s sleeve.

“So, are you guys boyfriends yet?”

The question startled the two boys, also causing Cas to turn a dark shade of red and glance down at the ground in front of him. But Dean could see a small smile playing on his lips.

“Sam… Just- read a book or something.” The question had caught Dean off guard, he didn’t even know what he and Cas were. But the word ‘boyfriend’ had still scared him slightly. He knew people were much more accepting of homosexuality now than they ever had been; and that wasn’t the problem, but it was a big step from whatever the fourteen year olds were, and it frankly scared Dean.

Sam only snorted in response, watching as boys tighten their grips on each other’s hands. It made Sam smile that Dean was actually with someone that knew how to spell ‘Prada’ unlike Dean’s past several girlfriends. They had also treated Sam like a little kid, saying how cute he was; even though he’d had a larger I.Q. than all of them combined.

They were pretty high up on a large mountain, if they wanted to get to the station they’d have to scale down the side after passing through a small town, whose name Dean couldn’t pronounce. And Castiel hadn’t been helping, laughing at Dean’s attempts to say the town name.

Two hours later, they reached the small town of Saugerties (which is actually in New York, but I couldn’t find anything with a weird name in that distance from Boulder!). It was a small town, had a 17 hundred feel to it that Castiel liked.

The main street was lined with tall brick buildings with large display windows, showing all their contents and proudest products. On each light post hung a basket of bright pink and red flowers, swaying lazily in the faint breeze. The flowers reach down and tugged softly on the boys’ shoulders, begging for them to turn and pay the beautiful petals the well-deserved attention. But instead their attention drifted in different directions.

There was a bookstore where they were 25 cent books on display, Sam of course asked Dean for a dollar and ran off to get more hand-me-down books for the journey.

Dean noticed a small diner on the end of the street with two-dollar burgers; he almost bolted to the restaurant, excited to eat a good meal finally.

But Cas saw his chance to have Dean to himself, normally Cas wasn’t a selfish person. But now he didn’t want Sam interrupting them. He just wanted to hold Dean’s hand, maybe sneak a kiss or two in. But as Dean dragged him along towards the burger shop, he felt this was good enough for him.

The boys sat themselves at the table closest to the door, sitting across from each other. Dean took Castiel’s hand from across the table, settling their hands on the table with large smiles on their faces.

A waitress came over to their table and placed menus in front of them, dropping their hands under the table they ordered a water, a coke, and a sprite for Sammy whenever he came back.

Within minutes their drinks were placed in front of them and Sammy came skipping into the restaurant with five books under his arms. Taking his seat next to Cas, he showed the older boy his new additions to his collection.

“The girl gave me this one free because I could remember all the names of the dwarves from The Hobbit movie.”

He pointed to One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest with extreme excitement. Then piled the other books on the table, including; The Demon King, The Outsiders, The Great Gatsby, and To Kill a Mockingbird. He was already flipping through the pages of The Great Gatsby. Sam had seen the movies with a few friends and had a crush on Daisy.

His sprite was gone by the time the waitress came back to take their orders; they all got as much as they could so they could snack later on. Dean of course got the biggest burger he could, which happened to be the ‘Double-Triple Bacon Cheeseburger.’

Their food reached them in ten minutes, Sam read and Cas read over his shoulder, occasionally exchanging notes on the character’s reactions and statements. Dean couldn’t help but roll his eyes at how nerdy they were. They were fifty pages in when their food got there, greasy and ready to be eaten. Dean let a small amount of grease roll down his wrist and chin as he bit down into the large burger.

He moaned loudly amazing flavor of the burger and bacon combined perfectly. Castiel started onto his food, not moaning or savoring it as Dean was. He and Sam were attempting to read and eat at the same time, which wasn’t working too well for either of them. Sam was dropping his food on the front of his shirt and smearing it into the blue fabric.

Dean finished his with another loud moan, cleaning off some of the excess grease that had fallen from the bacon burger. It took the other boys several more moments to finish their food, still trying their hardest to read at the same time.

They boxed up what was left of their fries and anything else they had left, tipping generously, they left. It’d been a lot more money than Dean had wanted to spend but it’d been worth it, they’d have enough food to make it to the station. Which in a way, was saving some money.

Dean shoved all his food into their bags and started out of the restaurant and took Cas’s hand once again and led the two other boys towards the direction of the train station. It was going to be a long day, but with a full stomach and Cas’s hand locked in his own, Dean felt just fine.


	3. Doubt.

Doubt is something which comes in many shapes, and in different forms throughout ones’ life. Doubt is something some face without a second thought, quickly resolving the emotion with a swift thought or action. Others take a slower approach, letting their doubt of something or someone deepen until proven right, or wrong.

Doubt is something Dean Winchester had dealt with his whole life. The doubt in his father growing until he was forced to take action. Now the doubt in his action was growing until it resided not only in his thoughts, but also in his actions. The process of his doubt taking control of him was fast growing and he barely noticed it making decisions for him.

Castiel, though couldn’t help but notice how Dean’s soft, feather-like touches were becoming demanding and harsh. The warm, hesitant kisses were becoming forceful and lacking the comfort Castiel craved from the other. The dark haired boy pulled away from the lighter haired, taking in a subtle breath through his chapped lips. His blue eyes met Dean’s green, listening to nothing but his slow, calming breaths and Dean’s rugged pants.

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Castiel’s voice was no louder than a murmur, gentle as morning air, but with a hidden tone of annoyance covered by his collected appearance.

“What do you mean what’s wrong? I’m fine, Cas.” Brushing the area under his nose gently, Dean found Castiel’s pockets more interesting than his intense stare.

Castiel though knew of Dean’s lying habits, rubbing his nose for example was Dean’s most common sign of it. Castiel took Dean’s right hand his own, gently caressing the rough skin to try and show the boy he could be trusted to confide in.

“There’s something bothering you Dean, you’re allowed to tell me, I’m not going to laugh or anything.” Trying to make eye contact with his only true friend, he finally caught the unimaginably green eyes’ attention with his own beautiful blue orbs. “Dean please, we’re in this together.”

Dean’s eyes squeezed shut for only a moment before he pulled Cas into a hug, breathing in his intoxicating scent and letting his body melt against his. As he did so, his walls crumbled to dust and he let go of the other boy. Dean pulled in a sharp breath before starting his rant, “Cas, we’re trying to do the impossible.”

Castiel, as calm as ever simply blinked and nodded once with his eyebrows raised.

At his bland reaction, Dean leapt to his feet and looked at the other boy, who calmly sat with his back against the large oak they’d shared the long night under.

“I mean, come on Cas! We’re not going to make it to the train station! It’s still miles away, and we’re all over the news! There’re search teams looking for us everywhere! They’re going to take you away from me! Maybe even Sam! I can’t lose either of you! And John’s going to know we’re at Bobby’s, he’s a drunk, but no idiot!”

Smooth as ever, Castiel simply watched Dean pace, letting him clear his clouded thoughts.

“And you,” Dean motioned weakly to him, “I’m not gay! For you, yeah I guess, but no one else! And my whole life, the perfect woman for me, is you! Dark hair, blue eyes, smart, funny, not a loser like me and my dad! I mean, Cas, I need you! I don’t want to lose you, but we can’t keep up like this! Sam’s exhausted, I’m exhausted, we’ve been at this for four days, Cas. And I’m doing it all for you, Cas I love you, I don’t want them to take you from me.”

Dean’s eyes filled with tears he refused to let fall. His pacing halted and he slowly walked back to the quiet boy on the tree root and fell to his weary knees. Just as quickly as he did so, Castiel wrapped his arms around his shoulders and pulled him against his chest, planting a soft kiss against the distressed boy’s hair, exhaling slowly.

“I love you, Dean, and no matter what happens, I’ll wait for you. I’ll save myself for you. I won’t forget you, Dean Winchester. No matter what.” Castiel cupped Dean’s chin and brought their lips together.

Dean’s doubt was subsiding. their lips moved slowly together, feather-like touched caressed over their under aged bodies and Castiel’s gentle moan was the only sound heard besides the kiss, a few crickets in the distance and an occasional owl hooting down the valley.

Sam, several yards away; now felt more alone than ever that night. He wanted so badly to have what they had, love. Maybe not at his young age, but someday. He doubted though he’d ever find anyone, and thought too little of himself to ever imagine someone loving him in return.

✡✡✡

The three awoke just an hour before noon, behind schedule they made a hasty trip into the nearest town, careful to stay out of sight and not draw any unnecessary attention to themselves. They quietly slipped into an alley next to the local general store, unnoticed by all the pedestrians. Dean ruffled his hair and pulled a baseball cap over his hair, smiling warmly at Sam, he handed the boy their bags. Winking at Castiel, the fourteen year old slipped out of their sight, and into the store to get them breakfast.

After several awkward moments between Sam and Castiel, Cas lamely asked Sam how his book was going. The question led to a vivid discussion on Harry Potter, their personal favorite movie and book series. The boys, so into the details, barely noticed how Dean had been several minutes late and still hadn’t appeared in the alley.

Sam mentioned Dean Thomas’s name, which instantly snapped the boys back into reality, Dean, their Dean, had been missing for twenty minutes. He had only supposed to have been gone for five.

“You don’t think anyone recognized him, do you?” Sam’s timid voice broke their pregnant silence.

Just as the two started out of the alley they heard Dean’s laugh; one you could recognize from a mile away. Castiel let out a deep sigh and let his back hit the wall opposite him.

He watched as the boy who he’d shared a year with turn into the alley, looking over his shoulder with a large smile on his face before motioning for the two boys to follow him.

“Hey, I might have gotten us a ride.” Smiling larger than ever Dean practically skipped into the alley and pulled the boys into the warm midday air, seconds later Castiel saw a scruffy looking boy coming towards them.

He recognized him instantly, who wouldn’t? From his dark blue jeans to his ragged brown-gray hair, Lucifer was not only the most attractive boy Cas had ever laid eyes on, but the baddest. He was sixteen, two years older than Dean and himself, and had banged every hot girl in school. What he was doing several hours away from Boulder, Castiel had no idea.

Castiel and Sam pulled in deep-he’s-so-dreamy breathes at the same time, both too into the bad boy’s bright blue eyes to notice the other’s attraction.

Lucifer smooth voice snapped both of them out of their dreamlike state, “Yeah, like I was tellin Dean, my step mom will probably drive you to the station. She’s got nothing better to do.”

The awestruck boys watched as he gently rubbed the scars above his eye; Castiel knew he’d survived a fire at an early age and the burn marks were what was left of it. Sam knew nothing of the fire, so found the marks fascinating, he wanted to touch them and wanted nothing more than for him to notice him.

Dean didn’t even notice his ‘boyfriend’ eyeing the older boy, he was too filled with joy to think of anything besides the fact that there might actually be a chance they could make it to Bobby’s. His eyes spotted the bags in Sam’s hand and he swiftly took them from his younger brother, in such a mood he took all three and slung them over his shoulder with a cocky smile towards the brother; their signal for ‘who’s the man? This guy.’

He looked at Castiel, who he assumed didn’t know who Lucifer was, so introduced them quickly.

“Oh and this is Lucifer, Luc for short. He’s a friend of mine from school.” Dean didn’t mention that Luc had given him a small amount of pot to experiment with; but that was more personal.

Upon hearing his name, Sam was unable to help but blurt out, “What, like the devil?”

There was a short silence as his question hovered in the air seeking an answer. But it was followed by Lucifer’s sharp laugh.

“Kid, I am the devil.” Winking playfully at Sam, Luc turned in the direction of the general store which they stood in front of now.

A girl suddenly emerged from the building, slightly red in the face with a brown paper bag in her arms. She was cute, nothing special; but upon seeing her Luc smiled warmly in her direction. Her brown-red hair bobbed slightly as she skipped slightly to his side, her blush fading and getting replaced by a bright smile that lit up her dark brown eyes. (IT’S ME BITCHES.) There wasn’t anything interesting to her from Castiel’s perspective, but she did have nice thighs and a large rear. (So I’ve been told, I apparently have a ‘spankable’ ass.)

“You get them?” Luc pulled her into a one armed hug and pressed a short, but welcoming kiss against her nose.

“Yup! They were only selling sets of three though, gonna have to come back later, huh?” Castiel watched with mild interest as she pulled him against her by his belt loops, smiling at him like he was some kind of god. Cas could understand why; he was quite beautiful.

“Oh! And I bought some frosting, so I owe you a few bucks, kay?” she dropped down from her tip-toes and glanced at Dean with a shy smile then returned his gaze to Luc. But he only smiled at her, then motioned to Cas and Sam, “We’re going back to my house to ask if they can get a drive up to the nearest train station, the have to go somewhere in South Dakota or something.”

She turned to Castiel and Sam now with a small smile, waving weakly at them. She seemed more intent on the boy’s arms wrapped around her waist.

Luc took her hand lazily and started towards the cabin his family rented during the summer, it wasn’t anything more than a fishing cabin and he knew his step mother hated it and would take any excuse to drive away from it. Lucifer hated it as well, it’d belonged to his father and mother before his mother died and his father rejected him. Tightening his grip on the shorter girl’s hand at the memories he was greeted by a gentle, reassuring squeeze and her soft thumb grazing over his skin. The boy had never noticed her, preferring handsome men and women who carried themselves as dominant and strong. Luc had never really liked the girls who cried over bands and actors, preferred pizza over a thigh gap, sang in the shower and didn’t care who heard, had dignity and respect for themselves, and who would rather read books than actually have a conversation with real people. But now he found himself drawn to her ability to comfort him with a simple touch or a gentle song in her pitchy, but velvety voice. He’d never been one to love another, but now he couldn’t see himself with anyone besides her.

Behind the two walked Dean, hand-in-hand with Castiel, who was blushing slightly from the contact and shame that he was even looking at another man. And behind them came Sam, his thoughts were stirring wildly- even though he wished nothing more than to be like his older brother… Sam had never found men attractive and had never seen himself being with one, or even liking them. But now he couldn’t tear his gaze from Lucifer’s back nor stop imagining little daggers stabbing the girl he was with. He wanted it to be him, not some tramp.

Castiel swung his arm lazily, dragging Dean’s with it, he couldn’t help but notice the stupid grin on Dean’s face as they walked. They were going to make it to the station, they were finally going to make it to the station. Maybe John would find them, but hell they would make it further than Dean had ever thought imaginable.

A hum was heard over the wind, it was obviously female so they instantly knew it was Luc’s girlfriend. The hum turned into whispered lyrics that Castiel could barely make out, but caught the jist of:

‘Carry on my wayward son….

…. When you are done…

Lay your weary…. To rest…..

Don’t cha cry no more….”

The song continued with a soft melody, so much so that Castiel caught Dean humming along with the unknown tune. Castiel was certain he barely knew he was doing it, Dean would always hum and when asked to stop would simply stare. He didn’t think he hummed, nor did he think he snored; but he did both. Loudly.

When hearing she had a backup singer, or hummer… Her voice rose slightly, Castiel thought she wasn’t very good, but a free spirit who didn’t care what others thought of her so he was fine with it.

“Once I rose above the noise and confusion,

Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion,

I was soaring ever higher- but I flew too high…

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man…”

The song ended with a finally bum from both Lucifer and Dean, Castiel didn’t even have to look at her to know she was blushing, he could tell by how she dipped her head low in a shamed like gesture. He didn’t want her to find shame in the action, he wanted her to be proud, he loved Dean humming. He’d even heard him sing on occasion, and anyone who brought out the musical side of him was an angel to the boy.

There were several more silent minutes, Sam, as usual was out-casted from Cas and Dean, though he saw Dean checking on him frequently. He hated being the third wheel, though he was getting a fair amount of attention he was used to being Dean number one priority. He liked Cas and everything, but he was stealing his brother. And it was pissing Sam off.

Finally, after what felt like hours for the steaming ten year old they made it to an old worn out path that Lucifer turned down, followed by the party of five. A small cabin came into view past the tree cover path. It cute, but moldy, but cute. There barely seemed to be room for three people, but Lucifer’s family had always made it work fine for them. In the driveway was a red SUV and a smaller silver Chevy Malibu, Castiel’s brother Michael had one; the thoughts of his brother made him feel uneasy. He could only imagine how upset Michael probably was with him for running away.

He pushed the thoughts away as Lucifer stopped them, “I’m going to ask her, you guys just stay out here- we’ll be out in a second.” Castiel watched with mild interest as the two ‘lovebirds’ dropped hands and stuck their hands in their pockets, the girl still held the bag in her free arm, and they walked inside leaving the three boys alone outside.

Dean didn’t seem to mind at all, in fact he pressed a kiss against Castiel’s cheek with excitement, “It’s happening, it’s really going to happen Cas. We’re going to get to the train station.” His voice was no higher than a whisper, he didn’t want to jinx the statement by letting anyone else hear it besides Sam and Cas.

The three waited with high hopes for several minutes, then Luc and his girlfriend came out of the house- holding hands as they had been earlier. A middle aged woman followed after them, she looked a little loose; her hair was a mess and her eyes were bloodshot. She’d obviously been hitting something up when she’d been alone.

“I’m driving, mama’s a lil’ high.” Lucifer sent them a small wink as his step mother wandered behind him, giving Castiel a sharp look the looking back at the house in suspicion. The boys chose to ignore it, and started to climb into the SUV, when his step mother paused and started back to the house, “I-I uh forgot somethen, I’ll be back inna, few…”

“Why didn’t you just drive in the first place?” Sam’s small voice sounded from behind Dean as his step mother disappeared behind the screen door to the cabin.

“I just got outta Ju-vi. Got my license suspended and the whole deal, so I’m trying to be the ‘good guy’ and not get arrested again. As long as my step mom’s in the car we can just switch spots if we get pulled over.” He winked once again at Sam, who felt his stomach flip; he knew he wasn’t hitting on him or anything special but the thought he actually was paying attention to a nosy ten year old nerd meant the world to him. Dean always pretended to be the bad boy, but he didn’t have shit on this guy; Sam knew he was in love with the idea of this boy. He was perfect. He didn’t even notice he was blushing. He was glad Luc had turned back to his girlfriend before he could notice the color in his cheeks.

“…. Yeah, three-three of ‘em….. They’re the ones- the ones on my telly… Yeah, up on Mullberry Road, first cabin, I think on the, the side with the tall bears…..”

Sam glanced over his shoulder, being the only person paying attention to something besides Lucifer’s baby talk, and the whole Destiel PDA. He spotted Luc’s step mother on the phone, trying to be inconspicuous but failing miserably. He was surprised she even remember the number for 911, if he was sure what she was talking about.

“Dean…” grabbing Dean’s sleeve roughly to grab his attention, “Dean, she knows it’s us!” he kept his voice as a hissed whisper; he wanted to slip away quickly so she wouldn’t alert whoever she was talking to where they were. His brother’s eyes momentarily snapped up to the step mom who was retreating back inside the house, looking lost for a moment as the door slammed behind her.

“Hey… Luc, we have to bail.” Dean grabbed Castiel’s hand, using his other to adjust the straps slung over his shoulder.

“Why? You guys have been out here for days, you need a ride.” He ruffled his hair nonchalantly, his arms still wrapped around her waist like their comment didn’t even matter.

“You’re step mom’s calling the cops.” Dean started towards the woods back in the direction they’d been going in for days now. Sam trailed behind him and Cas, and behind came Lucifer and his girl, in Sam’s mind nothing more than a puppy he picked up on the street.

“Here, me and Jewel have a small camp set up this way, c’mon.” Lucifer led them in practically the same direction they’d been going in; finally revealing his girlfriend’s name, information he’d forgotten to share.

Dean followed eagerly, squeezing Cas’s hand almost in a reassuring way, but he was the only one who needed reassuring. He was nervous, as always; feeling as if the boys’ success was weighing on his already heavy shoulders. He just wanted to get out of here before anyone important showed up.

The five companions made their way up an unused path, two couples and Sam, seeking freedom for three friends. Several minutes of trekking up through the dense forest area they came into a small clearing with a tent and several packs scattered around it.

The came to a halt in front of the cheap tent and looked at each other a farewell, most likely forever; or so they hoped, Jewel finally broke the silence, “You guys need any food?”

“We’re good… But thanks…” Dean smiled weakly at her and looked behind him at the beckoning forest which they’d soon be travelling through, “We should be going, thanks for trying to help though Luc, I owe you one.”

“Maybe in another life.” A crooked smirk took up the older boy’s gorgeous features and the three friends, brothers, lovers, turned around and were soon out of sight behind trees and the dense brush. They left the two alone in silence for a few moments before there was a small voice besides the girl.

“So…. Wanna fuck?”

✡✡✡

Dean’s hand left Castiel’s, leaving him wanting nothing more than the comfort Dean had given him when they touched, instead Dean fell back and grabbed Sam’s hand, something he hadn’t done in years but now felt like the right time to do it. Instead of jerking away from his older brother, Sam held tight with a smile on his face.

They barely made it a mile before a distant whirling sound started getting closer and closer, the boy’s barely heard it over their soft laughing and gentle conversation. It was just past three o’clock, and looking around the three saw a helicopter zooming closer and closer to them.

“Shit.” The boys took on a faster pace. There were not normally helicopters this high up in the mountains unless it was really important. And the boys knew exactly why it was there.

There was loud barking under the sound of the helicopter, picking up the pace so they were running, even with the several pounds of luggage slowing Dean down, he was still going faster than most people could.

Sam tripped over a root, falling and bringing Dean with him.

“…. got ‘em!” the call was echoed the forest as Dean attempted to pull Sammy to his feet, “Dammit, Sam! Get up!!”

It was over, Dean knew it, Cas knew it, and Sam sure as hell knew they weren’t making it even half a mile further. Pulling in a sharp breath, Sam made it upright and started jogging alongside Dean and Cas.

Someone grabbed hold of Castiel at that moment, then grabbing Dean and Sam as well. Groaning as the man pulled Dean away from Cas and Dean, in a last attempt to stay close Dean reached his hand out for Castiel; Castiel doing the same. Their fingertips brushed together then were pulled apart by the search and rescue members.


	4. Recovery.

-Seven Years Later-

“So… You’re having suicidal actions, does that sound right, Castiel?”

The question was direct, though the black haired young man’s attention was elsewhere, instead focusing on the sound of a woman’s high heels tapping against the marble flooring and the couple he’d talked to briefly in the waiting room bickering over if they left the oven on or not; they’d been having the same argument for forty minutes and had already been broken up by security three times. Castiel had been sure if he’d had to stay in that room he would have lost it, but he could still hear them just as loudly as if they were sitting next to him.

“Castiel, hello? I asked you about your suicidal tendencies-“

“Yeah you did, can we get a different room; I swear to fucking god if I hear those two say another fucking word about what dumbasses they are I’m going to blow my brains out.” Castiel’s voice was loud enough to break past the thin walls and instantly silenced the two idiots in the waiting room, but Castiel knew they’d start back up in several seconds.

Naomi looked as though Castiel had slapped her, it’d been over a year since the last time he’d been in her office and his personality wasn’t what it had been a year ago. She was used to the quiet boy who answered questions slowly and hesitantly, making sure he wouldn’t offend her or give too much of himself away. But of course Gabriel had still been living with him then; looking after him and making sure he was always happy enough to put the gun down.

“Um, of course there’s another free room down the hall…” Naomi was choosing her words wisely, not wanting to get snapped at by the once sweet boy she’d known. The one, who despised her lectures but still mad her a cherry pie on Christmas, who’d come to her son’s graduation because of her divorce, who’d given her more therapy than she had to him.

She slowly raised and Castiel followed her out the door into the room hallway, he could hear hushed whispers coming from the direction from the lobby and knew the couple was at it again. They didn’t need therapy, they needed a fucking divorce.

The room Naomi had relocated their session to was not as nice as the old one but Castiel didn’t mind; he just wanted this over. The room was quiet for several minutes before Naomi finally found her voice and spoke up, “Do you want to talk about him… You used to like to.”

“Dean? Why would I want to talk about him? It’s been five years since the calls stopped, three since the letters; the asshole left me here. I don’t want anything to do with him.” Crossing his arms over his chest defensively, Castiel thought back to that summer; seven years ago, something he rarely thought of now. About how he’d fallen in love and saved himself for seven years, only hoping and praying Dean would come back like he’d promised… He never did, instead posted pictures of himself and half naked women grinding against each other on Facebook. It’d hurt Castiel enough to unfriend him, he was still hoping maybe Dean would notice and maybe refriend him. But again, he never did.

“Well, you loved him and maybe you need to let some of this pent up anger out about him.” Naomi was tiptoeing around the subject, she’d talked to Castiel’s sister earlier and had received a violent explosion. She’d been hoping better of Castiel, but saw it wasn’t going to happen.

“I did, I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking; I mean, for fuck’s sakes I was like fourteen. And he’s not my problem now, he’s not coming back. That’s just a stupid fucking fantasy of mine. I’m tired of waiting for him… I’m a twenty-one year old philosophical-virgin because for some stupid reason I thought he was coming back. But he’s not, and that’s that. Now I tried to hang myself last week and that’s why I’m here, not some teenage fantasy I have about Dean Winchester.” Though Castiel hated to say it, and as much as he was disgusted to say it, his stomach fluttered slightly when the name left his plump lips. He’d always gotten a strange thrill from saying it. Even if hadn’t seen him in years, there would always be a spot in his heart that belonged to Dean Winchester, his first true love. He'd had sex before yes, but he'd never made love. And to him making love was losing your virginity not mindlessly fucking as he'd done.

Nodding slowly, Naomi looking down at her clipboard which several papers were lying upon for several seconds before looking back up at him, “It’s because of Gabriel correct?”

“No shit. My brother’s in jail for something he didn’t fucking do; I have to drive to fucking Denver to even see him, and our dumb-shit lawyer isn’t doing anything to get him out – it’s fucking retarded. No one’s going to fucking miss me, Anna hates me, Gabriel barely reacts to anything I say I live alone. Well scratch that, I have four cats, so my live is fucking peachy. You know, the only reason Anna found me was because she needed some fucking money. She wasn’t checking on me like that bullshit story she put together said; she needed money because her wife-beating husband doesn’t do anything besides treat her like shit and sit on his pig-fucking-ass all day. So yeah, I tried to fucking kill myself, again. I don’t even see the fucking point of these ‘sessions’ talking about my feelings isn’t going to stop me from trying it again. You people should just let me fucking die.” His statement ended with a loud puff of exhaled air and his body smacking against the leather seat.

His breathing was ragged and his fists were clenching and unclenching at his side; too many things were pissing him off. He didn’t want to be here, he wanted to be beating the shit out of Anna’s shit-for-brains husband for ever laying a hand on her. He wanted to rip Dean Winchester apart for leaving him all these years, he also wanted to beat the living shit out of Gabriel for holding cocaine for his friend and getting caught with it. It wasn’t fair for him or anyone else; he’d spent his whole life being the second choice or just forgotten.

“This is good, we just have to let these things out, if you leave them in too long they’ll just eat away at you for forever. Just like-“

“Oh save it for someone who actually gives a fuck, I have more important things to fucking do than listen to this bullshit.”

With that, the slender adult got up and left. Naomi was too shocked to stop him in his small rage; he had already left the building when she could finally catch her breath and let the once again arguing couple in for an early appointment.

-East Boulder Water Corp.-

Fidgeting nervously in his seat, Sam Winchester couldn’t keep his eyes off his hands which were neatly folded in his lap. His mind was elsewhere, barely focusing on the small number tag in his right hand. He was only half worried they had already called the simple 458 number.

He’d only been back in Boulder for two weeks, Dean had been here three hunting down a cheap apartment for them to share until Sam could get a college dormitory. Dean had gotten them both jobs, Sammy working at a little pet store down the street from the piece of shit apartment they were living out of and Dean a part-time delivery boy.

Nothing special, but enough to get Sam through the last three weeks of high school and get him supplies for his law school; he had a full ride into school but the books and office equipment would cost a shit ton more than they were used to, but since they hadn’t heard anything from John in seven months they were on their own like usual.

It wasn’t something they weren’t used to – doing things on their own and defending them own damn selves, but Sam saw how Dean always hoped John would shape up to be a real father. Sam knew John had never been real father material, even when Mary had been alive and kicking; even Bobby admitted it. Dean would never see John as the arrogant asshole he really was.

But, as much as Sam hated him; he was his father and dick or not… Sam was stuck with him, somewhere deep down Sam loved him. Which was a fact he wouldn’t share with anyone, not even his own brother, he’d just have to hide it forever. As sick as it sounded, Sam barely had any love left for the drunk asshole anyways. Sam had been fine with him even through the crappy childhood he’d given him and Dean, his love really went downhill that night though. The last truly happy night of Sam’s life, which had fallen July 7th, three years before now.

Sam was snapped back into reality by the stupid robotic voice calling his number, “458 to desk clerk three.”

He breathed a long sigh before standing from his uncomfortable perch on the metal bench. Looking at the wooden plagues dangling over the desk clerks’ heads he quickly spotted the large three over a woman who was looking around expectedly for ‘458’ to take a seat in front of him and discuss his home’s water problems.

Breathing another sigh before sitting in front of the large chested, perky girl, Sam took her outstretched hand and gave it a small shake. He hated touching people but there was a certain quality about this woman he seemed to have known her in another life.

He tried to get a look at her nametag but found it awkward seeing it on top of her well-rounded breasts, the seventeen year old couldn’t help himself but stare for a few moments before returning his gaze to her bright, brown eyes.

“Hi, I’m Juliana I’m going to be your ‘helper’ today, desk clerk sounds a little ridiculous if you ask me.” She let out a small laugh even though Sam could tell she’d probably used that joke thirty plus times that day alone.

But he felt connected to her, not only because her name was ringing so many bells in his head it was giving him a fucking migraine, but her friendly disposition. Sam couldn’t help but instantly like that sweet smile of hers, even though he could see through the whole, ‘don’t worry! I love worrying about other people’s dumb shit problems instead of my own!’ Sam could tell she just wanted to go home and get some fucking rest, but he respected her for keeping her head up and a smile on his face, a trait he’d never achieve.

“So, mister…” she leaned forward slightly looking for an answer, but only resulting in her perky breasts half spilling out her shirt which was one button from popping off completely. She wasn’t a whore or trashy in Sam’s views, he couldn’t help but notice how much foundation was under her eyes, masking the heavy bags she wouldn’t even let her husband get a good look at. She had probably been too exhausted this morning to put on a shirt that really covered all her curves.

Sam’s conclusion had actually been correct, the girl was worked off her feet with a failing marriage, a new baby she hadn’t been ready for, a job she fucking hated and her slight medical drug abuse.

She was tired, anyone who talked to her outside her happy, bright work smile and attitude she wore every day. But it worked out in a way… She’d always wanted to be an actress. And she didn’t even have to get undressed on camera to be in her own little tv show set.

Letting out a small breath which almost knocked a layer of badly-applied blush off her cheeks, she smiled at Sam. It was a trusting smile, she could tell this boy wasn’t going to give her any grieve unlike a majority of the douchebags that pranced in here acting like it was her fault they hadn’t paid their bills.

“Oh, Winchester, Sam Winchester… I’m uh- my brother and I… Our landlord sent us here to get the water going, the guys kinda an idiot; honestly doesn’t know what he’s doing.” Sam ignored the puzzled look on her face when he said his name, just hoping she didn’t assume it was a fake name like most people did.

“Hold on…” she cocked her head to the right and searched Sam’s face with mild puzzlement before leaning over the desk and gently taking his face in her hands, gently turning his head from side to side to get a better look at him.

Sam of course was too shocked at her sudden movements to do anything, he noticed her black bra could be seen through her tan, thin button-up shirt. She’d most likely thrown it on in a hurry to get to work hoping no one would notice… But Sam definitely noticed, he was seventeen he couldn’t help but look at the hooters barely holding on in that damn bra that was a size too small, one she’d always intended to throw out but never did; one most women had.

Sam was too caught up in the swaying orbs of fatty tissue attached to her chest to notice she’d let go of him and was staring at him with pure awe.

“Sammy Winchester,” the name snapped him back into reality, no one had called him that besides Dean in years, “Goddamn you’ve grown.” Her smile seemed to split her face in two, “I swore I’d never see you again, but here you are in the flesh!”

Sam’s eyes fell on hers and he watched as her face morphed into a young, curvy sixteen year old without a care in the world all those summers ago. He remembered how sweet she’d been, even though she’d only met him once and her boyfriend’s druggie mother had been the whole reason he, Dean, and Castiel had been caught. But the old face brought a smile to his lips, he almost felt guilty for looking at her the way he had been when he’d been scoping out her boyfriend with the same interest when he’d only been ten.

“Hey, wow… Um, who would have guessed.” Sam had never been good in social situations, especially in front of a girl whose every movements seemed to bounce her tits.

“Sam Winchester.” She said it like the words were foreign to her, and as if she hadn’t just said it seconds before.

“My god, Luc isn’t going to believe it – you know, we felt so awful when we found out what happened; swore to god your dad was going to beat the hell out of you when we saw him in that interview. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t bawling but gosh…” she rambled on for a few more seconds, but Sam lost her after she’d said ‘Luc’.

Luc as in Lucifer… Lucifer as in the boy he still fantasied about, “Wait, you still know Luc…” the words had escaped him before he could stop them from tumbling out, he’d interrupted her in midsentence but honestly didn’t care. She was just repeating how much she’d cried when she found out they hadn’t made it to the train.

The question shocked her slightly, but the teenager inside her held her hand out with mild excitement, she showed off the diamond whenever she could; almost as if she couldn’t believe it still rested on her fourth finger.

“Married actually, four years.” She couldn’t hide the smile in her voice and she gently wiggled her fingers to give Sam a nice view of the ring; pulling away after a few seconds a small thought popped into her brunette head, “You know, we haven’t had company in forever… We’d love to have you and Dean over for dinner, catch up. I mean, everyone’s looking at us, the whole ‘no off-topic conversation’ rule.” She laughed again quietly and started to type in his information, humming and laughing to herself about the fact that Sam was right in front of her.

Sam on the other hand was recovering from the marriage blow, he’d been jealous of her when the two had been dating. But married?! What the fuck, those frisky teenage relationships never lasted! (Although theirs was hitting a rough spot) Sam was honestly in shock, he’d expected them to last no longer than a week, right after he spotted a nicer ass and moved on; not to get fucking married!

“So… What’s up with the water, is it leaking or do you have to pay or something…” her voice snapped him out of his shock and he just nodded and slid a check the landlord had told him to give her across the mahogany desk with a blank expression.

“Thanks, and about dinner…. Would Thursday at eight be ok?” Sam hadn’t realized that in his small haze he’d shaken his head yes to the dinner invitation. As much as he wanted to see Luc, ‘the one that got away’ he couldn’t sit there if they were lovey on each other, he was getting sick just thinking about the man of his dreams holding those perky tits he’d been staring at only a minute before.

“Oh yeah, um… Dean and I actually have plans to watch the game, so how long will this take?” That was a lie, Dean was working late and Sam had no interest in football. Also it was Tuesday. Even Sam knew there weren’t games on Tuesdays.

“Oh, just a second and….. Poof, water is paid and you can go on your merry way – oh sh- um... Crap, here,” Sam watched as she scribbled someone down sloppily on a sticky note, “Here’s our address, I don’t mean to brag but I make amazing cheeseburgers.” Handing him the small note with a large, preppy smile she pressed the button on her desk and Sam was practically shoved out of his seat by the next person in line.

He wasn’t even out the door when he heard a faint, “… Desk clerk just sounds a little ridiculous if you ask me…”

-*_*-*_*-*_*-*_*-

Castiel was home alone, besides the purring cat in his lap that is. He expected to stay this way, switching out cats every now and then, but not receiving any of the attention he really craved, human.

Gabriel’s fiancé had popped in earlier to check on the house, she was sweet but Castiel had barely paid attention to her gentle “How are you’s?” he’d still been in his rage from Naomi’s office and hadn’t had time for her questions. He was regretting it now. He would have actually enjoyed her company now.

She was sweet and pretty, and they both got along well. They’d (and Gabriel) would watch movies together and sometimes even Anna would join them, with or without bruises. The thought of Anna’s bruises made Castiel forget about Cassidy for the moment.

Little Anna, the baby of the family, she was actually a year older than Castiel but it never seemed so. She had always been so innocent, crying whenever Gabriel would shoot a bird down with his b-b gun, throwing fits whenever one of the boys watched football instead of Barney, and of course whenever someone even dared to touch her food.

Castiel’s fond smile grew with every memory of her, now she was a shell. The smile ceased to exist, her body belonged to a man who no one could stand. To a man she claimed to love, but was only too scared to leave. To a man who hit her for shits and giggles, he didn’t even need a fucking reason anymore, he would just smack her around until her crying stopped, or he got bored.

His breath came out slightly ragged at the thoughts, she was his sister. Even though she was older, she would always be the baby sister to him. It was one of the only things Gabriel told him to do, ‘Look after Anna… Cas please, and if you see… If you see that piece of shit ever lay a hand on her… Blow his fucking brains out, Cas. You understand me, and don’t fall her ‘I slipped and fell’ bullshit. Hey, look at me when I’m talking to you. You fucking pull the trigger Cas, I got a few more years in this… Fucking hell-hole, and if I come back and he hit her… And you even suspected he did it, kill him. I should have done something besides talk to that fucking pig.’

Castiel shivered as he thought about how loudly Gabriel had hung that damn phone up, even people three seats over had looked at the two of them. Castiel didn’t know that Gabriel had broken someone’s nose and fractured their rib in a fight later on. He had no idea what Gabriel had planned for the bastard when he got out, nor did he want any part of.

There was a loud knock on the door, Castiel felt himself pulling back into the real world, he waited several seconds though before he went to the door; hoping in those short seconds they’d go away whoever they were.

He let out a small breath before throwing open the door to reveal his sobbing sister, her tear-rimmed blue-green pale eyes looked at his with raw pain and longing.

Before his thoughts could register correctly he had his sister tightly wrapping in his arms, gently stroking her hair as he tears fell thickly against his shoulder, leaving the fabric wet and a darker shade of grey from her thick and now running mascara.

He didn’t even feel his own tears. He didn’t know why Anna was crying. Only that she wasn’t pulling away from him, they were blood again. His thoughts of her hating him seemed to fizzle into nothing as he held her tightly in his arms refusing to let go; he never wanted to let go. He wanted it like before when they were kids, running through their father’s fields behind the house. Hiding from Gabriel’s and their father’s fighting… Hiding from the world.

Castiel had no idea how long they stood there, just holding each other while they cried for different, yet the same reasons. It could have been seconds or hours, he lost track of time with the small red head with him once again.

He finally pulled away from her and shut the door they’d left open, “Anna, are you hurt? What’s wrong?” his tears were drying, having stopped long before hers which were still running freely.

“He left me-“ her breath hitched and her face contorted in agony, she groped for him to seek comfort. And just as quickly as before, Castiel welcomed her into his arms, her face fell on the crook of his neck and a fresh wave of tears started, “Cas, I’m pregnant.”

Castiel felt something drop in his stomach, he knew the prick must have left her because of her pregnancy which was sick in every way imaginable. Trying to comfort her in his own ‘Castiel way’, he whispered gentle ‘it’s ok, now’ or ‘just breath now’. He kept repeating each until her sobs ceased and they were left in silence besides her quiet hiccups and heavy breaths.

They stayed that way for so much longer, just listening to each other’s breaths and heartbeats, Castiel sometimes could almost swear he could hear her child’s heart beating from inside her. He doubted it though, she was barely showing and was most likely only two months along, if that. He just wanted to hear his niece or nephew, to bring some hope into his life.

Anna pulled away from him, looking up at her brother with a quivering smile she couldn’t help but press a small kiss against his cheek. He’d matured so well, no one would have ever treated her half as well as he had just now; deep down she’d always favored Castiel over everyone else in her life. Her husband had hated him though, out of fear of him she’d been forced to pretend to hate her brother. Though all the times she’d ignored his calls or snapped at him, she’d always sent someone to check on him, make sure he wasn’t hurting and he was doing ok. She could never hate Castiel, he was still no older than five in her eyes, just a chubby-cheeked kid who’d picked her flowers and always told her she looked pretty every morning. No matter if they’d gotten in a fight or she’d ate the last of the Lucky Charms.

He was so different now though, his body was lean but solid, she could tell just from hugging him he’d been working out more than he let on. She half wondered if he had any real fat on his bones. She highly doubted it, he was a man now. No matter how hard she tried to pretend he was a child she knew he was a twenty-one year old man.

“Cas, I’m sorry, I’m so- so sorry.”

-*_*-*_*-*_*-

“No! Remember when fucking – fucking Gabriel made you eat that worm?!” The question, which Anna had half screamed sent the both into them into yet another fit of laughter.

“Have you ever eaten one? It tastes fucking disgusting! I couldn’t taste anything for a week!” The siblings both raised their beers to their mouths at the same time, Castiel finished his and Anna slammed hers down half full.

It barely occurred to both of them she shouldn’t be drinking, as she explained earlier.

”I’m 6 weeks along actually, I’ve known for two weeks… I was so fucking excited to tell Crowley, we’ve always wanted kids… I guess he wasn’t ready or something, I barely had the word ‘pregnant’ out of my mouth before he’d packed his bags and left- and the bastard even took my fucking ring… God, my finger feels so… Light… I feel empty, Cas.”

“Wait, remember when Gabe brought a guy home just to prove dad that gays could be attractive?” their laughter stopped for only a second before starting back up again at full force. Castiel had missed his sister and he hadn’t realized how much he’d done so until now.

“Yes! And dad just looked at him and said, ‘Gabriel, you’ve been stealing my Playboys for eight years, now drive this poor boy home.’” Anna’s comment added to Castiel, making them laugh harder than ever.

The memory was still fresh to the two, one they’d both almost forgotten.

‘Hey dad, I’d like you to meet my boyfriend, Derek.’ Gabriel had smirked smugly at his father before sitting down at the dinner table with his ‘boyfriend’. They’re most recent fight, how ‘gays aren’t as good looking as straights’ had been going on for weeks, three to be exact and Gabriel had gone out and gotten some poor sap to date him. Anna and Castiel had gaped at Gabe in pure shock. They both knew Gabriel was far from homosexual, but this was still one step further than Gabriel had ever gone. That was the first night Gabriel had kissed a boy (forced by his father) and the last, Derek was never heard of again.

“I’m fucking starving, want a pizza? I sure as fuck want a pizza.” Castiel was already reaching for his phone before Anna could answer his question.

“Sure, don’t forget the black olives.” Anna smiled warmly at her brother, calming down from their laughter filled hour long memory session they’d shared.

“Ugh, I don’t know how you and Gabe eat those things, they’re disgusting.” Castiel barely glanced over his phone to retort to her request as he punched in the number for Dominos.

“Are not!” Anna didn’t care how childish her comeback sounded, she was just glad to be sharing a moment with Cas.

“Are so!” before she could fire something else at him, Castiel placed a finger over his lips to signal they’d picked up the phone.

He ordered a two larges, one pepperoni and sausage, the other black olives and mushrooms. Just like her and Gabriel liked.

Cas set the phone down and looked at his sister with great interest as she slowly sipped her Bud, looking at him with raised eyebrows.

“What are you going to name it?” he asked suddenly, glancing down at her stomach for a millisecond.

“Well, I’m going to stick to the angel tradition boy or girl… I love Daniel, he was always one of my favorite angels…” her voice trailed off in an almost daze as she thought of more names, she’d given the topic thought but not a lot.

“A fallen angel? The name pretty much means ‘God has judged’.”

“I know, but it’s a beautiful name. But for a girl…” she sighed weakly, “Lailah.”

Castiel nodded, the names were beautiful, though both had dark meanings in his mind. Lailah which roughly translated to ‘night’ in Hebrew and of course Daniel meaning ‘God had judged’. Though no one would care outside his family, he thought they were beautiful names.

“Well, let’s hope they get your hair, ginger-snap.” a smirk crossed over Castiel’s expression.

“Shut up you fucking bastard!” there was a loud laugh and a remote flying through the air aiming at Castiel’s head which he barely avoided.

They bickered lightly, and chatted warmly for twenty or so more minutes until they were interrupted by the doorbell ringing. The siblings both exclaimed loudly, “PIZZA!” They honestly didn’t even care at this point, they were both tipsy, Castiel was flat out drunk with a cat tucked inside his shirt and a scratch on his left cheek.

He walked to the door as he had done when Anna had knocked, the animal in his shirt, Zadkiel, he was eighty percent certain it was Zadkiel anyways, was hissing loudly and trying to escape the tight prison Castiel had shoved him in.

The cat scratched him roughly, which was enough for Castiel to let the cat out, flipping the animal off as it pelted across the floor to get away from him.

His hand fell on the doorknob and he swung it open, saying a slurred ‘hello’ as his eyes dropped to grab his wallet, he could smell the food though it hadn’t even left the pizza bag.

His eyes watched the young man’s hand reach inside the blue bag and pull out two boxes, “That’ll be $12.87.”

Castiel had a twenty in his hand and was about to hand it to the boy when their eyes met and their breaths caught in their throats; though their faces had changed in the seven years they’d been separated their eyes sure as fuck hadn’t. Dean-fucking-Winchester was on his doorstep.

Castiel had never moved so quickly to grab the pizza and throw the twenty at his ex. Lover and slamming the door shut right in his face.


	5. Rejection.

“Dean, come on. It couldn’t have been that bad.” Pulling his half frozen pizza closer to himself, Sam searched Dean’s facial features for any sort of emotion; remorse, anything. But it was blank, the look of a tired, broken man.

“He hates me, Sam. He really hates me… Dammit, I messed up. I messed up bad.” Dean’s head dropped to his crossed arms, not bothering to look at Sam. He couldn’t shake the image of Castiel’s face; the pure pain he’d seen in his eyes. It’d almost been enough to make Dean break down right there.

He’d come back for him, seven years later than expected, but he’d come back to hopefully start a life up with Cas, or at least where he’d last felt at home, in Denver. He hadn’t expected them to have the movie embrace, where’d they’d hug and kiss like nothing happened. If Dean knew anything about him, he knew he would be stubborn. But Dean didn’t know he’d broken him so, he wanted it like before; two fourteen years, horny and lost in the world. Those were the moments Dean thought of most, nothing but touching and forgotten words. He knew coming back was a risk, especially for Sam, but he wanted Cas back, more than anything.

“But, it is Thursday, and you promised you’d come to dinner with me…” Sam barely stuttered. He wasn’t even hesitant with the question. It was unlike him, he usually was anxious and edgy around his older brother. He’d seen his brother go through hell and would rather die than go through it again.

“Sam, I don’t feel like it…”

“Dean! These people helped us! You’re being selfish. I told her I’d be there. And we’re both going.” Sam got up to clear his plate, he tried for a casual manner but he was scared Dean would yell at him, or throw something like his father would.

“Sam….” There was a gentle scrape as a chair was pushed across the wooden floorboards, a few silent paces which Sam barely found audible, and quickly vanished. When he turned back expecting to see his brother, he saw nothing. Instead was greeted by the Impala’s engine roaring to like in the driveway.

Sam through his rag down in defeat and glared at the place where Dean had sat only seconds before, he didn’t know where his brother had run off to, only that wherever it was he wasn’t going to be home in time for the dinner he’d planned with the Pellegrinos.

“Goddammit Dean…” he wasn’t the talker in his family, he mostly relied on Dean to do most of the talking for him; he found himself to anti-social and awkward to make it through even a simple conversation without falling over himself.

He couldn’t bail on them, it wasn’t the Winchester thing to do; Sam would simply have to suck it up while Dean went off to hell knows where to clear his muddled thoughts. He just prayed it wouldn’t be as awful as the scenarios in his head were.

***

It felt right; the wind in his hair, the loud purr of the engine, and the gravel beneath him crunching and flying in every direction as the tire rolled over the loose pieces.

A loud laugh escaped his lips as the music was turned up to full volume, it deafened him and earned upset looks from people passing by; but the Guns N Roses soared through the air and he didn’t even bother turning it down when an older man flipped him off from his porch.

In all honestly Dean saw himself doing these people a favor, they needed to be more cultured when it came to Axel Rose. People were losing taste in good music, real music. He found himself drifting down the road, zoning in and out, turning up and down the music depending on the artist playing; he paid no attention to what turns he took, to the road signs… Only the wind slapping him mercifully and his hand resting gently on his own thigh, drumming slightly to the beat of the songs. He mouthed the words he knew and made the guitar noises at a good solo.

Dean didn’t notice the gravel turn to smooth pavement, he didn’t notice the houses grow larger and more spaced out, he didn’t notice himself part in front of a large red house he’d recognize anywhere.

Dean didn’t even notice his feet carrying himself to the front door, carelessly stepping over the porch steps he and Castiel would constantly fall over, causing laughing fits that would always end when Cas’ nose would start bleeding from the stress of their fall. The boy, seven years later now smiled fondly at the memory before hitting his fist on the blinding white door.

Only then did he realize his actions, he snapped out of the trance he’d been put in, he was at Castiel’s home. The Novak home he’d been dreading to see since their earlier confrontation, “Shit.” The word escaped him as he turned to sprint away, stopping in his tracks when he heard the door open.

“What do you want?” The words leaked venom, Dean could only imagine what his face looked like if he was that pissed.

“Um… I was wondering if you wanted to go for a ride…”

“You’re an asshole.” Dean’s eyes flicked up to meet his, his brilliant green orbs focusing solely on the other boy’s blue ones.

“I know, but just for old time’s sake?” Dean’s shoulders shrugged slightly as his eyes racked over Castiel for the first time since he’d gotten back to Boulder; he was skinny, tall, his hair was a fucking mess; he was wearing an oversized hoodie and bright green skinny jeans. It was a kind of ‘I just threw this on’ sorta look; he pulled it off in a strange way though. His legs suited the skin-tight jeans, leaving almost nothing for the imagination – Not that Dean was looking down there anyways.

“No.” Castiel’s voice was cold and his eyebrows rose expectedly, basically saying, ‘get the fuck off my property.’

Groaning softly Dean looked back up at him with bright, round eyes, “Come on Cas, please?”

“Let me think about it….. No.” Though Castiel’s face was solid, emotionless, Dean could see right through him. He loved this, seeing Dean squirm under him, trying to get away but his pride getting the best of him. He was taking all his pent out anger on Dean’s emotions, every ‘no’ was like a month of loneliness Dean had put him through. Every look was like one of the many promises Dean had made to him, it was all payback. Humans are vengeful creatures, we don’t forget anything.

“CAS! CAS, WHO WAS AT THE DOOR?!” a loud female voice erupted from somewhere in the house, Castiel groaned in response and Dean only stood there waiting for Cas to change his mind, he ignored the bells going off in his head due to the voice he knew all too well; his main concern was making things right with Castiel.

“NOBODY! JUST GIVE ME A SECOND!” a muffled ‘Kay’ followed the answer and Cas turned back to Dean, crossing his arms and leaning against the doorframe.

“Sister?” Dean raised his eyebrows slightly, remembering the feisty red head he’d had a crush on what seemed like a million years ago.

“Brother’s fiancé.” Castiel’s voice was sharp as ever, but softening spite himself.

“Oh… How is he? Gabriel I mean…” At the mention of his brother’s name, Castiel’s face dropped slightly and he’s eyes averted from Dean’s.

“In prison.” However much he’d softened up suddenly snapped away and he became the dick he’d been not even a minute ago. Dean almost cringed at his stupidity, it’d been getting better and he’d screwed it up again.

“You should go, I’m busy.” Castiel’s slim body fell back inside the home and started to shut the door when the feminine voice erupted again, “DEAN!”

The next thing he knew, a black haired girl had thrown herself in his arms and squealed loudly in his ear; the realization hit him, it was Cassidy. They both laughed warmly during the small reunion, it’d been a little over nine months since they’d last seen each other. They’d been friends for forever, five years or so but hadn’t found the time to pick up the phone recently dealing with their own problems.

The two let go of each other at the same time, Dean pressing a soft kiss against her cheek with a warm smile, “How you doing, loser?”

“Great actually, I managed to break the oven, drop the cake I was making, and cut part of my hair off,” she held up a small chunk of hair to show it was missing less than an inch of hair compared to the black strands surrounding her soft face, “But you made it better!” she wrapped her arms around him once more, giving him a firm squeeze before letting go of him once again and glancing up at Castiel who looked like he’d been shot.

“So, I’m assuming you two met. Um, well if not, Cas this is Dean-“

“I know him Cass.” The sarcastic tone in his voice was enough to get the point across, he wanted to go inside and forget all about his encounter with Dean Winchester.

The two men watched her confused features turn to one of realization, then to one of shock, “Oh-Oh my god, you’re Dean, Dean, Dean, the Dean... Oh shit.”

“I was going, I just wanted to ask Cas if he wanted a ride.” The taller of the three smiled warmly at his old friend before turning slowly back to his car, “Bye Cassidy, and bye Cas…” smiling weakly his hands reached in his back pocket for his keys and he slid in the car, his stomach was twisting in knots, Castiel hated him and there was no denying it. He felt sick, he shouldn’t have left him; he shouldn’t have stood him up and forgotten to call afterwards.

Groaning softly, he started Baby up, hearing her purr didn’t perk him up like it usually did, instead it just made him feel worse. The car was pulling away slowly when there was a rapping on his window, glancing up he saw Cassidy; her eyes dancing with sympathy.

“Hey, I actually need some help around the house, if you wouldn’t mind coming over Saturday?? It’s hard without Gabe around, Cas isn’t much help with the whole Naomi thing, and Anna’s moody and is going through her morning sickness faze so she’s no help. I need friend right now honestly.” She smiled warmly at him, “And I’ll fill you in on everything I just said.” She must have noticed his puzzled expression.

“Sounds like a date.” He flashed her a cocky smile and a wink, earning a laugh and a response of, “You wish.”

“Bye, see you around noon?” Dean sent her another smile, and she nodded in response. Still smirking at him before standing straight up and waving at him, “Bye bye bye.”

 

He drove away with a smile, she went back inside with a smile; but when reality sank in the smile vanished for both of them and was replaced by a deep frown and the usual dosage of questing their existance.


	6. Thrill.

“I’m home you sick fucker!” there was a loud crash followed by a hasty ‘shit’. The return of his brother meant almost nothing to Sam, he was hunkered over his computer typing away; telling his friend, Garth, every detail of the embarrassing Pellegrino adventure. It’d happened only hours ago and he knew he could never forgive Dean for abandoning him.  
This time Sam hadn’t been able to handle it.  
**  
-hours before-  
“Sam!” The lanky teenager was greeted by a tight hug and an unexpected kiss on his cheek, it made Sam blush slightly but he quickly repressed his emotions and let go of her, smiling fondly at the woman who was barely 24. She had a strange way about her, her eyes and personality screamed ’16 and ready to party’ but everything else about her; her fake smile to the bags under her eyes suggested her body felt not a day over 50.  
Sam felt his excitement dimmer slightly as he looked at Juliana with a sympathetic smile, ‘God this girl needs to get laid.’ Sam didn’t share his thought aloud, nor did he intend to. For all he knew the couple could be doing it every night, (they weren’t) but he just wanted to see the genuine smile he’d seen seven years ago on her.  
There was a slightly awkward moment as she invited him inside the narrow hallway and instructed him Luke hated shoes in the house, she waited patiently as he bent slightly to wiggle his feet out from the sneakers he’d been wearing; he felt underdressed. It wasn’t as if Juliana was wearing anything elaborate, just a Pink Floyd tee shirt and some jeans, nothing special. But the house was much nicer than any he’d ever set foot in.  
It was medium-large sized with a great yard and an even nicer inside, it was the kind of house you say in those classic ‘perfect, happy family’ movies; there were a few things that set it off from those though, a few dog toys scattered across the floor and a few unevenly hung picture frames. It was cute, no other way to describe it. Sam could tell though it wasn’t the house they’d intended to be living in, he’d always seen them barely making it by; living in a shabby apartment living off each other barely any furniture; just love. Of course he’d replaced himself with Juliana on more than one occasion.  
He was thinking of crappy conversation starters when a loud wail came from down the hall, he heard her groan behind him and stomp off towards the direction of the crying. She wasn’t gone 45 seconds when she reentered the room with a baby on her hip, she bounced them slightly, a large smile plastered over her expression.  
“Sam, this is Michael.” Her smile brightened when the baby’s crying faltered and his blue eyes swept over the stranger in his living room; he reached his little hands out for Sam, laughing brightly and shrieking, “DA!” he bounced harder in his mother’s grip trying to reach the other man. It took Sam several seconds to awkwardly grab the baby, he held it in outstretched arms staring at it like a bomb that could go off at any second.  
“Sam, you mind holding him? I have to set the table and watch out, he’s going through his hair tugging phase.” Before she could get a proper response from him, she turned the corner and left Sam and Michael alone, the baby laughing and reaching for Sam’s face even though they were separated by arm’s length. Their eyes met for a second, Sam’s eyes wide with nervousness and the baby’s wide with excitement.  
“DA!”  
Sam looked around, the baby still at arm’s length, before sitting down on the couch and nervously setting the boy on his lap and bouncing his leg slightly the stop its loud giggling. Instead of focusing on the slight odor Michael was giving off, Sam fantasized about ripping Dean’s lungs out and shoving them down his throat.  
The mother was taking longer than Sam expected, for when he looked down the baby was curled against the crook of his neck and snoring softly, his sticky, wet breaths hitting Sam’s skin like feathers of an angel, it made Sam’s heart-rate drop incredibly. So much, he looked down at the child and smiled, he’d never been good with children; he’d always been scared he’d hurt them of mess something up. But he was only holding Michael (his arms had somehow wrapped around the child without Sam noticing), not raising him. He could love this child for now.  
Michael was in mid-snore when there was a loud snap and a small flash of light, he grumbled slightly and lazily smacked Sam’s chest with his small, curled fist.  
“Sorry – it’ll be a great picture though. If you want I can take him back, thanks for holding him, he’s a pain.” Juliana took a few steps forward, the camera dangling from her hands and a large smile on her face, “Almost all the pictures we have of him are blurry, he moves too much.” She stooped tenderly, like she had a pulled muscle, and picked her child up. She brightened up slightly at his little groan of protest, but the bags under her eyes remained obvious.  
“It’s fine, and I didn’t mind… What’s for dinner?”  
“Um, a roast and some mashed potatoes, nothing special. We just have to wait for Luci, he’s a few minutes away.” As her husband’s nickname slipped from her lips she sat herself next to Sam, puffing out a short breath to blow some hair out of her eyes.  
Sam nodded, but didn’t say anything; neither did she. It was quiet, not exactly uncomfortable, but Sam wanted to break the ice.  
“So do you have a dog?” his foot found an old chewing rope and he kicked it softly for her attention to catch.  
“Oh, no. He died a few months ago, Mike just didn’t let us get rid of anything, it’s his imaginary friend. Luc calls it our ‘hell hound’ but every time we try to get rid of the damn toys Michael throws a fit.” She smiled warmly at Sam and shifted so Michael was on her lap again, just like with Sam the baby grabbed her hair, only put hers in his mouth a triumphant bounce.  
Just like all those years ago, Sam heard her humming-singing quietly to herself and her child, “Play house, put my favorite record on. Get down, get your crystal-method on. You were like tall, tan, driving ‘round the city flirting with the girls, like you’re so pretty.” She paused and kissed Michael’s forehead, seeming to have forgotten Sam was in the room and continued, “Springsten is the king, don’t cha think? I was like hell yeah, that guy can sing. Like whew wheww wheww ohhohh, whew wheww wheww ohh. You make me crazy, you make me wild. Just like a baby, spin me around like a child. Your skin’s so golden-brown, be young, be dope, be proud. Like an American, whew whew whew wheww wheww hooo whew hooo, like an American. Whew hoo whew ho, like an American… Drive fast, I can almost taste it now – L.A. I don’t even have to fake it now-“ a doorbell interrupted her pitchy, off-key singing; but Sam was somehow disappointed it was gone and missed it as soon as it stopped.  
She hopped up, with Michael in her arms and went to the door with a small smile, Sam quickly lost sight of her but heard the small click of the door unlocking and a loud grunt followed by, “You locked the fucking door again.” And a quick, “Yeah, I know, I’m sorry hun, but dinner’s almost ready.” It sounded like they kissed briefly and Juliana walked back into the room with Michael and Luc; Sam awkwardly stood, trying, trying, not to look at his fucking face. But fuck. He was chiseled and had some facial hair- but fucking hell Sam didn’t see what was so special about him but felt his member twitch in appreciation of this fucking god in front of him.  
He mumbled a soft, ‘hello’ and forced a moan back when the older man in front of him licked his lips slowly and ran a hand through his shaggy hair. His lush lips pulled back as he grunted in response of Sam’s weak ‘hello’. Turning his attention from Sam, he batted his pretty eyelashes at his wife, making Sam feel a deep stab in his heart to see Luke turn to someone other than him, “The meeting went horribly, I want to eat.” He gave her a quick, unpassionate kiss on the cheek and walked off; leaving her with a dried out, broken look. Sam didn’t need to be told this was a failing marriage, they were holding together by a thread. There still may have been love, but not enough to sustain them both.  
Still, she turned to Sam with a fake smile that didn’t reach her eyes, “Five minutes, he’ll get dressed, I’ll finish up; okay sweetie?” she nodded as if he’d answered, “Yeah…” she was talking to herself, a one sided conversation. Not the Sam minded, he’d walked in on Dean more than one time having a full on argument with himself.  
&&  
There was a heavy silence in the air, no one said a thing; the girl at the end of the table had given up small talk. Luc has clearly shown he wanted no part in the family gathering, eating to himself and glaring at Michael whenever he made a sharp, annoying noise or threw something.  
“What’s your brother doing?” it’s the second time she’d asked, but Sam didn’t mind. Anything to break the silence.  
“He’s a delivery boy for the pizza place down the street.” Sam nudged some hair away from his eyes and slowly pushed the food around on his face, the tension made him lose his appetite slightly.  
“That’s interesting, I was a delivery girl once; it was fun-“  
“For fuck’s sakes, Jule, leave the poor kid alone.” The harsh statement startled both Sam and Juliana, their eyes snapped to Luke; the awkward tension turned hostile and cold.  
“I’m only trying to make conversation.” Tossing her hair behind her right shoulder, Juliana met Lucifer’s cold gaze with her head held high. She wasn’t afraid of him and Sam couldn’t help but feel attracted to her for it. In her shoes he didn’t think he could be so strong.  
“You’re pestering him, there’s a difference.” He practically spat the words at her, his jaw clenched and Sam found his attraction shifting from one side of the table to another. His eyes fell on Lucifer’s balled fists on the table; he didn’t know what roused the sudden conflict, but he didn’t want to be caught in the middle.  
“I don’t mind, honestly.” Sam glanced at Lucifer, then Juliana giving her a ‘am I doing ok?’ look.  
“Oh shut up, she’s a controlling bitch.” Sam was taken aback by the comment, sitting back and slumping his shoulders to draw attention elsewhere. He wanted to look smaller, not have the eyes on him.  
He shot Juliana a glance, her eyes screamed what he’d said hit close to home, but he saw her pupil’s dilate. Even in the middle of their fight she found him attractive, this was for her; the secret excitement bubbling under her skin, a chance to lash out. To ditch the quiet, submissive manner she wore on the exterior. Though the comments stabbed like knives, she loved the thrill.  
“You’re being rude.” She turned to Sam with a softer look than the one she’d been staring at her husband with, “Sam, I’m sorry, I’ll give you money for takeout if you want.” She flashed him a small smile, the smile turned cold as she met his eyes though. The action was intimate, but threatening at the same time.  
Before anymore slurs where thrown, Sam shot Juliana a smile and left the table. He grabbed his coat off the chair in the living room before they could even breathe a sigh of relief their company had left for them to bicker in peace.  
They didn’t fight though, well not for long. Minutes after Sam left they made love for the first time in months, angry, rough love, but love nonetheless. It was the last time they’d ever touch each other the way they did then, also one of the last time they realized how beautiful the other was.  
**  
“Aw, come on Sammyyyyyyyyy. It couldn’t have been.-“ Dean belched loudly, “THAT bad.” Sam had little to no idea how Dean had managed to stumble over to Sam’s room without falling once, he knocked a few things over and bumped into things but nothing more. Usually he’d been on his ass by now, passed out from the fall.  
“Well my night was shitty too.” Dean’s liberated face wavered for only a moment; the slur in his voice fading for only seconds before returning, “He remembers, fucking hell.” Dean let out a small groan and drew himself up from Sam’s desk and hunkered out of his younger brother’s room.  
Groaning softly, Sam looked at his retreated brother’s back, “Are you ok?”  
“The fuck does it look like?”  
**  
-several years ago-  
“Dude, what if- we’re not really like breathing. Just inhaling shit and like; seeing everything.” A few giggles followed after Ash’s statement, the eighteen year old could barely look straight, let alone find out who was laughing.  
“Dude, how fucking high are you right now?” Dean glanced at his friend, who squinted at the ceiling with a bemused smile, “Ash!”  
“I feel like an eagle, like all feathery and yeah…” Dean looked at his friend, he was high and he hadn’t even brought the bad boys out yet. His dad and brother were out for a fishing trip and Dean had to house to himself and a few friends; Ash, Meg, Ruby, and Garth.  
“Dude, I already told you, I got the real shit.” Dean smirked at Ash, who’d already probably smoked multiple blunts with his new, eighteen year old freedom.  
Meg though, her shirt only half covering her and her desperate exterior attitude perked up, “LSD? I thought you were only fucking with us.” She blinked all pretty-like at Dean and wiggled her shoulders just enough to catch Dean’s attention, but not enough to show too much. She knew what she was doing, Meg had been trying to seduce Dean into her little web of hers for months now, teasing, flirting, and anything and everything else she could do to turn on a horny eighteen year old (which wasn’t a lot).  
“Well whip em’ out big boy.” Garth scooted forward looking at Dean like a dog looks at a toy, his too large nose giving him an extra cute factor.  
“Fine… Just don’t break anything!”  
__  
Dean left his friends in the living room. The LSD wasn’t working the way he’d thought it would, instead only bringing back painful memories; leaving Boulder, his dad hitting him for the first time, when Sam had his first asthma attack when they were home alone, and plenty more. It was putting a weight on his heart and he needed to break free of it. But the worst of it was fucking Castiel Novak. His face was practically dancing in his mind, taunting him of his failure. He’d promised to visit him, hell he’d driven several miles before decided against it and turning around.  
He had Castiel’s number from MySpace, he lost count of how many times he’d pulled it up then chickened out of pressing send. But this time his finger barely had anything between dialing and sending the call. It was a quarter to four in the morning, but Dean prayed he’d pick up; this was the first time in a long time he’d called and knew it would be the last if he picked up or not.  
He didn’t know why his young love stayed in his head all these years, but he just knew he could barely look at a girl without hearing his voice whispering that he loved him in his ear. Dean was so lost in the memories and thoughts he didn’t hear the voice he’d fantasized about for years answer in a groggy, ‘Who the fuck is this?’  
“I’m sorry.” His voice was vulnerable and slipped out before his thoughts could process his words, “Cas, I’m so sorry.”  
The other line was silent except for low breathing, finally the smoky, fucking sexy voice came again, “Who is this.” It wasn’t a question, more of a demand. Dean heard it in his raised tones, he didn’t want it to be him. Castiel didn’t want him anymore.  
“Cas-.”  
“Dean, why – what do you want?” his voice was weaker than before, filled caution and slower than before.  
“I wanted to visit- really.”  
“I know, but you didn’t, Dean. And calling is just reopening old wounds.” His voice was hesitant, he didn’t want himself to say these things, but he forced them out. Although Dean knew him four years before, he could still read him like a book.  
“Cas I loved you, we could try something.”  
“No Dean, we couldn’t.”  
“Well how do you-.”  
“I’m with someone, Dean, someone who’s actually there for me. Someone’s who’s not a memory and a string of broken promises.”  
“Cas…”  
“Dean.”  
It was silent for several moments, before a sigh sounded on Castiel’s side and he continued quietly.  
“You hurt me Dean, I moved on. It’s time for you to do the same. I’m in love, for real this time-.”  
“No you’re not.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“You’re not in love.”  
“And how do you know?”  
“Because no one could possibly want you.” Dean’s voice was foreign, either the LSD was talking or the pent up rage he’d been holding in was breaking down his walls.  
“What’s that supposed to mean? That you marked me or something? I’m yours and only yours forever? We dated a million years ago! We were young, stupid-“  
“I was going to run away with you, I was going to run away with a fucking asshole and I didn’t even know it.”  
“Dean, I’m done with this conversation.”  
“Fuck you.”  
“You’re a child Dean Winchester. A fucking child.”  
“Why don’t you go cry to your mommy – oh wait you can’t.”  
Several seconds passed before the guilt started on Dean, they’d both lost their mothers in different ways, Castiel’s maybe more painful depending on the views. But they both grew up with only their fathers, only Dean had always been stronger about the loss of his mother. His was dead. Castiel’s just didn’t want him.  
“I hate you.”  
“Good.”  
“You’re the one that fucking called me.”  
“Peace out, faggot.”  
Dean hung up his phone and threw it across the room; the conversation had taken a bad turn. The opposite of what he’d wanted, he’d hoped to clear things up, still be friends and just – FUCK. He ran a frustrated hand through his hair and landed with a loud thud on his bed, he hadn’t cried in years but he felt the hot tears coming now. He didn’t care his friends were home, he’d lost someone close to him, spite the years spent apart.  
“Hey.”  
Dean recognized the voice, Meg. And he recognized from the softer tone she’d heard most of his ‘breakup’ with Castiel. But he didn’t care, instead he looked at her with a new perspective.  
She was beautiful, sometimes. She carried herself confidently, which was hot to Dean. And her eyes had a certain all-knowing way about her. He watched in mild interest as her hands fell to her hips and her mouth parted in a soft line.  
“Gonna invite me in?”  
“Come on in.” his voice was sarcastic, but instead of being offended she just rolled her eyes and took a few steps inside the room before shutting the door and locking it with a small click.  
Dean’s eyebrows skyrocketed to his hairline, she noticed of course. With a sly smile she rolled her jacket off her shoulders, her eyes never left his as her shirt was pulled over her head and tossed aside. Next her jeans pooled around her ankles and her body shifted across the room onto the lap.  
“What are you doing?”  
“Helping you.”  
“How?”  
“Get over them.”  
Their lips met each other. Hesitant at first, Meg led him along, kissing him roughly and with a hidden hunger while she straddled him. He heard a small moan escape her when her panties caught on his jeans and Dean’s hand dropped to get the fabric unstuck. He took longer than needed, feeling around and teasing her playfully before pulled back and kissing her just as before.  
The night moved on, as Dean pounded into the smaller girl under him he couldn’t help but wonder what Castiel would look like in her position. She screamed the way he’d envisioned Castiel doing, and fuck thinking of his deep, raspy voice screaming for him made him come seconds after her. He didn’t feel bad for thinking of someone else while fucking Meg. She didn’t mean anything, only sex. Castiel still meant everything to him, even if they were suffering differently on separate sides of the country.  
**  
-present day-  
There were cracks in the ceiling.  
The small fact had never been picked up on in Sam’s mind; but now with his eyes trained on the ceiling he couldn’t help but notice. They formed a ‘w’ shape, large and prominent. He could almost feel the chipping paint texture under his skin. He wanted to touch them, reach out and run his hands over them like a blind man reaching for his love. But he was elsewhere, leaving his body behind, dormant and useless.  
“Be young, be dope, be proud.” Her words spun through his mind, it dizzied him to the point he could barely stand it. Why six words of a song he’d heard someone sing cause so much in him to change suddenly. As if the six words had sparked a revolution in his mind. He breath even seemed to be different, the steady breaths now caught in his throat. His eyes closed at an alarmingly slow rate, the ‘W’ slowly became smaller as his vision narrowed but was there, even when his eyes were closed and the dark had overcome him. It was there, an orange-pink figure dancing in front of his eyes under the eyelids.  
“Be young.” He was young, but only his body was, not his soul. He was mature, he didn’t enough to label ‘young’. It upset him on levels no one could understand, his mind travelled to an ex. – Sarah. She’d been beautiful, the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen even. Not because of her appearance, because of her acceptance and inner light. His mind turned to her whenever he thought of the word ‘young’, for she was young. In spirit and appearance, she had been free. And god, Sam had loved it. The feeling she gave him in her laugh, her touch, and to be engulfed by her intoxicating scent. She hadn’t ever needed to be dared to do anything, for she was already doing it before you could finish the first letter. He loved the thrill she gave him, the pure, genuine emotion and seductive cloak she pulled over him.  
Sam remembers driving with her. Her body pressed against his and her teeth dragging on his ear, whispering things that drove him crazy even months later. She told him she loved him and wanted him to take her away from the place they were in, and when Sam had hesitated in answering her pretty little mouth found his half-hard cock. Any hesitation left in Sam flew out the window. He drove her for hours; pulling over when the desire for her grew too strong and only once for food. At a diner where they hadn’t stopped touching each other, call it lust or teenage immaturity, but in those moments with Sarah, Sam knew he’d found love.  
“Be dope.” His mind raked for a definition of ‘dope’, awesome or something he assumed. Different from the rest. He was different, maybe not in a good way, but he wasn’t the same as everyone else. He thought of Dean, half stoner, half badboy; but the nicest person he’d ever met. It wasn’t obvious at times, but Sam had always known Dean would be there for him. Dean always teased him about being different, being a nerd; but Sam saw the flashes of pride behind his brother’s eyes when he talked of his school work and research. They loved each other, pure, brotherly love.  
Sam’s thoughts were pulled to Sarah again, his one true love, the only woman, person, he’d ever truly been in love with. He remembered seeing her waving at him through his classroom window and him just getting up and leaving, saying ‘fuck you’ to the teacher as he left. The feeling gave him a thrill that can be only described as ‘dope’. He’d left his classmates with their jaws hanging open, and groped his girlfriend on the front lawn for all their eyes to see; even the look on John’s face had been worth it. John had struck him multiple times but the thrill in it had been worth it. In those moments he would have considered himself ‘dope’. But besides that and only a handful of moments he couldn’t consider anything he’d ever done to be ‘dope’. But from what Juliana had been singing, whatever song it was, that was the life he wanted to live.  
“Be proud.” Pride was something Sam Winchester had always lacked. He could read a book in a night, leaving his classmates on the first chapter and not find pride. He could get a 105% in a class and not be proud, it was a thing of perspective; he saw himself as nothing. He saw his achievements as little, unimportant, how could reading a book help end world hunger? How could getting an A on a test alter his future or anyone else’s? He found pride in very few things, he was proud of his book collection, his ability to understand his surroundings, and how he wasn’t in prison at the moment. Those were things he found true pride in; very little or monumental, all depending on the eye of the beholder.  
But he wanted pride, but not from himself, from others’. He always found if Dean was proud he had a higher tendency to find pride in the same thing; if Dean showed little to no interest Sam’s pride dwindled. He wasn’t a follower of Dean’s, like a duckling following his mother, he just wanted the feeling of love and respect to flow through him. It was an amazing feeling, one only to be compared with by the thrill. He wanted the thrill.  
In a way everyone wanted a thrill.  
It’s the thrill we live for.  
Just the fucking thrill.


	7. Chase.

Human beings have been chasing something since the dawn of time. From wealth, love, to even food and goods; the chase is something no man can say he never encountered. Over time many people have chased many things, Dean Winchester is now chasing an ex. Lover. Sam Winchester is chasing something to feed his hunger for a thrill. And Castiel longed for peace and quiet; away from Dean who made him question everything he stood for.  
Cassidy set aside the novel she’d been reading, the first half of the book had been proven to be slow and lacking the interest she so desired to pull her mind away from Gabriel. Sighing warmly she pulled herself up and stretched slowly, pulling her arms above her head and arching her back just enough to hear a loud pop; the noise made her gasp softly and she took several awkward steps toward the window.   
There was a flash of black, a smile spread across her face when she recognized the Impala she’d come to love. Coming to an abrupt stop, she heard the engine stop and it birthed Dean Winchester. She let out a single breath and jogged to the door, the same instant her hand fell on the doorknob she heard a loud slam of another door. Yet another sigh escaped her lips as she opened the door and saw that cocky smirk she wanted to wipe off his face and at the same time hug him until neither could breathe. She settled on the latter.  
She kissed his cheek warmly and released him from the hug she’d almost strangled him with.   
“Hey Cassie.” His gaze flicked upward for a moment and the smirk grew, “Still can’t believe you chopped all that hair off.” The smirk was replaced by a warm, loving smile.   
“Oh shut it, Winchester.” Cassidy punched him playfully on his shoulder than turned and called loudly, “Cas, get your ass down here! We’re going to clean your damn car!” she rolled her eyes and took a step around Dean and outside in the warm, warm for Denver, air.  
“God, it’s awful. I mean it’s like he doesn’t even know what a fucking car wash is.” She took several brisk steps towards the garage. Humming an unfamiliar tune she punched in the code and waiting as the garage door slowly ascended to the very top and inside the ceiling or whatever the hell it was called.  
The car was as bad as she remembered, stained with mud and on the verge of rusting. As a car lover she hated seeing the year old Volvo in such bad condition, even Dean found himself wincing at the appearance of the car.  
“Ah, Jesus Christ. Cassie you weren’t fucking around.”   
There was a quiet huff and the two friends felt another slip in-between them and towards the car. Cassidy recognized the messy, black sex hair to be her husband-to-be’s brother. He glanced at them with a cold look, he was mad at Cassidy for inviting Dean over; she understood why. But she was only trying to help him, his car was god awful; and they hadn’t even seen the inside.  
Castiel started the car and pulled out onto the driveway; Cassidy had already set aside soap, some buckets full of rags, and the hose was unraveled and placed close to the car. The car came to a stop just in front of Baby, the black and blue colors stood out and had a complimentary feel to them. Cas hopped out of the car, Dean couldn’t help but notice a light blush on his cheeks; but in order to at least talk to him, he pretended not to notice.   
“I’ve been too busy to clean it… It’s been hard to find time around everything.”  
“It’s fine, sweetie. I was only poking fun, nothing more.” She watched the man who’d become her brother nod and blush harder than before.  
Dean ignored both of them and went to the side of the house to turn on the hose, letting the two have a ‘moment’. When the knob had been turned completely around, Dean returned to where the two stood hugging, both rocking each other comfortingly. It almost made Dean jealous to see that Castiel had taken so kindly to someone other than himself. But to snap them out of it; he turned the nozzle of the hose and let a steady spray sprinkle over the car. The two let go of each other and quickly grabbed the soapy-water filled buckets and dipped their rags into each while Dean sprayed the car completely until it was covered in a thin layer of water droplets.   
Dean turned the hose nozzle until the water stopped flowing, grabbing the closest bucket he joined the two and started soaping the car down; he was nearby Castiel and brushed against him time-to-time. The awkward silence had settled around them, Cassidy then broke the silence when looking down and realizing her shirt had been soaked and was sticking to her skin; the dark bra standing out against her skin. She turned red and turned to go back inside, leaving the two alone.  
Dean glanced over at the boy who was only months younger than him, but had always thought of him as years younger in a way. But also years older at the same time. It was a strange way of thinking but Dean had always thought of him as so. As his eyes raked over him, he spotted similarities from their youth. His thin, but plush lips, the light pink complimented his pale, almost milky skin beautifully. Castiel’s eyes were the same blue, the color Dean had never thought to be natural, he’d never tell Cas he used to think of his eyes to have been painted by god himself; combining every shade of blue to create the perfect color. There were the same bags under his eyes. They always seemed to be there, never vanishing. He saw also his eyelashes were full and lush, almost feminine. He saw Castiel’s gaze lift from the car to his own eyes, he watched the pupils dilate and his mount open just slightly.  
Something seemed to take him over for a moment and he quickly returned back to the car, scrubbing more furiously than before. He seemed almost upset, his shirt; just like Cassidy’s, was soaking wet. And Dean couldn’t help noticing the way his muscles were toned perfectly, as skinny and lanky and he was Castiel was built strongly, not as Dean; who was several sizes larger. But he was strong in his own way, not to mention his ass was pretty perky.  
Dean shook his head slightly and returned his rag to the car, moving it in circular motions so the suds spread in every direction, bubbles formed over the shiny exterior and Dean found his side pressed against Castiel’s. Though the other boy tensed at first, his body quickly relaxed enough for Dean to lean over him and smooth the rag over a plain spot that Castiel had missed. His cheek touched Castiel ear and he could almost feel the heat radiating off of his body. This action tensed Castiel once more, but like before his body relaxed and he continued cleaning the car, trying not to meet Dean’s strong gaze.  
He felt a tight knot inside his stomach, a tension, a longing, a desire. He pulled away from Castiel sharply and moved his body to the hood of the car, the area he and Castiel had been washing was now too clean. The rest of the car was drying, the water he’d sprayed on was drying in the warm sunlight. Dean looked up to see a brief look of hurt cross over Castiel’s features. His actions were justified though, Dean didn’t want his lustful fantasies to ruin his chance to befriend Castiel once more.  
Cassidy returned, in a dark shirt with a tank top under it, protecting herself from any form of embarrassment. She noticed the silence had continued even when she left and cocked her head to the side, looking at Castiel with slight confusion and in an upset manner.   
“Cas, turn your car radio on. Please, just god it’s too damn quiet. I can even listen to your punk rock shit.”  
Dean raised his eyebrows, “Punk rock?” he followed the question with a loud laugh, he hadn’t expected Castiel to a punk rocker. But instead of shying away from the question, he puffed his chest out and raised his eyes to meet Dean’s.  
“Yeah, punk rock.”  
Dean’s smile grew and he shrugged affectionately, “Turn it up, cupcake.”   
Punk rock, nor punk pop were either of his favorite music genres. But he much preferred them over Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, or whatever bullshit the modern community was listening to.  
The nickname earned him a glare as Cas opened the door and turned on the car, within seconds he selected a song and turned it up. It started heavy and continued as so. Something about killing poor people, Dean was more focused on Castiel.  
He shot him glanced when he wasn’t looking, trying to stare without capturing his attention. It was a difficult task; one he failed for the most part when Cas kept meeting his stare. It was almost like a game of cat and mouse, once they noticed each other staring their gazes would drop. They were not lustful stares, more of curious ones; those of wonder and interest. They were innocent looks, and not discrete ones, though neither of the two noticed how Cassidy was trying her hardest not to squeal with the sexual tension binding the two.  
She was honestly shocked how easily they were getting along, Castiel was always going on about how much he hated Dean; but now what do you fucking know, they’re eye fucking right in front of her. Not that she minded, it wouldn’t be her first time thinking about two men together. She’d be lying if she didn’t watch Sherlock just to see if Holmes and Watson would kiss or not. It was bad of her, she knew, but hard when her fiancé wrote and read as much fan fiction as she did. She’d never believed in soul mates until she met a man quite like him. The male version of herself she’d been told on several occasions.  
The car was now well soaped, and Cassidy bent down to grab the hose, she twisted the nozzle and let a steady stream of water hit Dean then quickly turned the direction on Castiel; leaving the boys even more wet than before and both gaping at her smug face. God if Gabriel could see this, it was like a poorly written fiction they’d read; although everyone needs something cheesy to maintain balance.   
The stream found its way once more to Dean, hitting him squarely in the face, both Cassidy and Castiel laughed while Dean started for her. She ran just as fast trying to spray him while running away from him. She got Castiel once more before they were both following her, attempting to get away from Dean, who she knew was a thousand times fast than her, she dropped the hose and ran faster. Looking back she saw Castiel now spraying Dean with a large, laughing smile on his face.  
“I thought you were on my side!” Dean tried shielding his eyes, then ran for Cas and tackled him. Not in a harming way, for they landed on the ground with a soft thud. Castiel was under Dean, who was practically straddling him in a pornographic manner, the hose was still going; spraying Dean and the water falling onto Castiel. It soaked both of them, they’d forgotten about Cassidy in their almost sexual gridding they were busy doing.  
Cassidy knew Dean could easily pull the hose from Castiel’s hand, but yet he let the other boy spray him without complaint. But instead he pinned Castiel’s hands to his chest and tossed the hose aside, laughing brightly the two boys rolled around for a few more seconds until Dean wound up on the bottom screaming uncle. That he surrendered, it was fake, obviously; a Winchester never said ‘uncle’. But she still caught herself smiling warmly.  
She coughed loudly, “Hellllllloooooo.” Two pairs of eyes met hers and the hose was redirected on her, soaking her from head to toe.  
**  
“Ah, fuck, guys I’m starving!” Cassidy looked over at the two men sitting a respectable distance away from one another on the couch. It was almost sad how they kept looking at one another the way they were doing; they were innocent looks, almost as if they were fascinated by one another, seeing one another for the first time.   
“So?” Dean gave her a look, basically saying, ‘the-fuck-am-I-supposed-to-do?’   
“So? Go get me something to eat before Anna gets home; she’s going to be hungry too.”  
“Ah, Cassie. We’re watching a movie!”  
“Star Wars, Dean? Even I’ve seen it a million times!”  
“Fine!” he stood up and stretched, popping his neck before turning and smacking Castiel’s knee lightly, “Come on.”   
Castiel gave him a surprised look, “You want me to come?” he was almost dumbfounded that Dean would want him to come, it broke her damn heart. He’d never fit in, even now, years after school he was still shocked anyone would want him, well. Maybe because it was only Dean, his ex. Someone who he thought hated him, or had a deep loathing towards him.  
“Well…. If you want to…” and fuck her, Dean was blushing. Blushing hard, and a deep shade of red. She never thought she’d see the day he would be blushing.   
“Ok, let’s go.” They both stood and headed for the door, waving quickly to Cassidy they both made their way outside. Cass hoped they bonded, and hopefully not tear each other apart.  
Dean held the door open for Cas and grabbed his jacket off a hook by the door before following after Castiel. There was an almost giddy sense about Dean; as much as he feared about Castiel not liking him he knew now was his chance to patch whatever remained to be patched and he’d work damn hard to do so.  
On his way to the car he nudged Cas gently, smiling warmly at the younger man.  
Castiel smile wavered though, he looked at Dean with doubt and discomfort; he was questioning himself. Wondering if the act he’d put forth for Cassidy was failing and he was being nice to the Winchester boy on his own accord. It seemed like him to do something so stupid, he tried not to meet Dean’s eyes; though he was making it hard. Every chance he got Dean would be touching him somehow, small touches, brushes of skin, nudges, pokes, god it was driving Cas mad. He was more upset his pent up anger for Dean was fading in minutes. It was the same boy who’d left him all those years ago, pointing things out, ‘Holy shit, Maggie’s is still hanging around?’ or, ‘Hey remember when Cathy Anderson beat the shit out of the Jeffery faggot over there?’  
Castiel smiled and nodded at every memory, though on the inside he was screaming. He was falling for this adorable fucking idiot, again.   
It was pitch black out, the only real sight were the occasional building sign and the Impala’s headlights flooding the ground with a warm, yellow light. Castiel barely noticed the speed Dean was driving at, only how the trees blurred as they sped past. Then the sirens called through the darkness, both Dean’s and Castiel’s eyes fell on Dean’s speeding meter, almost fifty mph above the speed limit.  
Castiel expected Dean to slow, but instead Dean flicked his lights off and sped faster.   
“Dean, what the fuck!? Pull over!” Castiel sat up and craned his neck to get a look at the red and blues several yards behind them.  
“Dean!”  
But the man next to him was silent, even when they turned so sharply both men were thrown to the left.   
Castiel’s breath was catching in his throat while his anxiety levels rose so high he was struggling to think even. His thoughts were traveling to death, (arousal), car accidents, never seeing the light again, (arousal), and fucking Dean Winchester was the reason behind all of it.  
His breathing became ragged as Dean’s turns became sloppier and he saw a sweat breaking over Dean’s face. The whole situation worried him deeply, Dean was worried about Cas and Cas was worried about both of them.   
Castiel buckled his seatbelt which earned a laughing response from Dean who he had believed to have become mute next to him.   
“Cas, hold on darling.” Dean let out another weak laugh before jerking the steering wheel to the left, the car flew over the lane next to them and into a tractor’s entrance of a corn field. There were several areas in which the corn had been knocked down by a car or tractor, so even if the police officer followed them it’s been almost impossible to tell which path they followed.   
Dean chose the fourth one of the left, a larger one obviously made by a tractor. Several ears of corn scrapped the car but noting to cause serious damage, they drove for an unknown amount of time; thirty seconds or five minutes. When the path ran out Dean stopped the car and started laughing and turned to Castiel who was fighting a confusing amount of arousal.   
His heart was beating fast from the chase and it seemed to go straight down to his member. In a normal situation he’d kiss the first person on sight, but this person happened to be Dean.  
“Fuck.” Castiel pulled himself from the car and outside so the gentle breeze hit him full on, hopefully it’d help clear his head just enough to push the thoughts of fucking his ex. Young lover out of his head.  
Dean was still laughing when he exited the car, “We tricked that fucker, huh Cas?” his laughter started anew and he collapsed onto the hood of his car. When his laughing fit ceased, he sat up and looked at Castiel with peeked interest. The boy was showing signs of distress, pacing, running his hands through his hair, and avoiding eye-contact.   
“Cas, we were fine. I mean the corners were tight – but..”  
“Stop talking, please stop talking.”  
Dean shot him a look, a questioning, slightly confused look, his mouth opened to comment something further when Castiel shut him up once more. Only in his own, special, Novak way.  
The kiss was abrupt and hungry, leaving Dean’s eyes opened; trained on Castiel’s shut ones with shock. His brain wanted to push him off, but his body gave in and kissed him back.


	8. Hurricane.

‘I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.’ [Looking For Alaska John Green]

Castiel set the book down, not bothering to bookmark it; the page number was to be imprinted on him from here to then. 88.   
It’d been almost a week since his encounter with Dean, he referred to it as an encounter simply because he didn’t want to think much about kissing Dean Winchester. But fucking John Green went and fucked that all up. 

‘If people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.’ 

Though the woman in the book made Castiel question his sexuality, Dean was the embodiment of Alaska Young. Everything about Dean Winchester made Castiel breathless, the smirk (that hadn’t changed in all these years), his freedom, the rush, just everything. Yet he refused to think of it as love. It was a fascination, nothing more. You can’t fall in love with a man in 88 pages.

But it hadn’t been 88 pages, no; it had been 3078 pages since Castiel started falling in love with the Winchester boy. Alaska Young had a lot of catching up to do if she wished to compete with his love life.

Castiel stood up and stretched, he’d been sitting for hours, since the encounter he had been reading nonstop. In a week he’d managed 13 books and counting. Cassidy called it unhealthy, he called it dedication.

The only time he wasn’t thinking about Dean was when he was reading, besides that point in time he had fantasies that would make a porn star blush. Cassidy and Anna were living there full time now, both extremely unhelpful with his secret desires. Anna could barely lift a nail before complaining about ‘baby cramps’ and Cassidy was missing an old friend; so whenever Dean was off work the two women would share him. Cas had never seen a man eat so many pies in a week. 

His stomach growled, which wasn’t unusual for the past several days, but still Castiel left, in a hurry to get to the kitchen and back into his room before anyone could notice. He was so focused on his hunger he ran into the kitchen without seeing the scene in front of him. From Castiel standpoint he could see Anna on her knees while Dean sat in a chair looking down at her. It took Cas several seconds to realize the thoughts he was having were the opposite of true, for Cassidy handed Anna a nail polish bottle and started laughing with the other female.

“Aw, guys, I said I wanted pink!” Dean’s voice was dripping with sarcasm as he held up his hand to observe the drying polish shimmer on his short, poorly kempt nails. It was strange, but Castiel found his mind drifting.

‘She was a hurricane.’

“All done!” Anna stood up slowly, using Dean as a support beam, she wanted his help and company so always overreacted her ‘baby cramps’. But the Winchester was either stupid or one of the kindest men Anna had ever met.

Castiel let himself smile as Dean examined his baby blue toes, but the smile was short lived for his sister’s eyes met his and called his name loudly.

Both Cassidy and Dean turned to look at the newcomer, the two males in the room turned a dark red upon seeing each other and quickly busied themselves. 

“I just wanted some of the raspberry pie you made earlier…” Cas awkwardly waved at them, their gazes piercing and only slightly curious. The silence was interrupted by the song Miley Cyrus sang naked, Castiel could never remember the damn stupid thing’s name. Not that he truly cared another anyways. Miley was just one of the many singers who all tried too hard and sounded the same as a hundred other girls. 

Castiel rolled his eyes as Anna skipped off to retrieve her phone and stop the racket which was travelling through the house and mildly annoying both men in the house. She left Cassidy, Dean, and Castiel alone. Cas sighed warmly and headed towards the refrigerator, humming softly Castiel grabbed the milk and drank it straight from the bottle, ignoring Cassidy’s mild look of annoyance. He was expecting the ‘Dammit Cas, other people drink from that!’ speech again, but it was quiet. Which he was grateful for, his irritation levels were through the roof and he didn’t want to be lectured in front of Dean Winchester, she spared him embarrassment which again he was grateful for. Twisting the cap back on the milk, he grabbed a week old slice of pizza and started eating it, not bothered by the flat, cold taste, and started back to his room.

He was halfway there when Anna crashed back into the room, she was an obvious mess.

Her hair had come loose from its lazy bun and her breathing was labored, grabbing her phone off the counter where Cassidy sat looking at her as if examining a new species, “Anna, slow down hun. What’s happening?” Cassidy pushed herself off the counter and grabbed her upper arm gently, Castiel stood unnoticed in the doorway a piece of pizza dangling from his teeth, Dean sat with his mouth hanging slack, Anna was shaking, on the verge of tears, and Cassidy trying to hold onto Anna without scared her in anyway.   
“My friend, she’s – she’s in the hospital, I have to go to Boulder.” 

“Okay, okay let’s just breath, Dean and I will drive you okay? What happened?”

“Miscarriage, oh, oh god Cassi what if that happens to me?! It just, it just came out of her!” Anna’s sobs began and she went into another shaking fit. Dean wrapped his arms around her and let her cry onto him. 

“Get yourself packed, we’ll be there in forty minutes, okay?” Dean made a sharp gesture with his head to Anna, his eyes locked on Cassidy; asking her to help her pack without saying the words out loud. Cassidy smiled weakly and took Anna’s hand from Dean grasp and led her to the hallway, once again leaving the two men alone.  
‘If people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.’

Castiel’s eyes met Dean’s he had to be there for his sister, even if it meant driving an hour at 1 am to go stay at Anna’s friend’s house while she was at a hospital. It’d happened before, only Rachel had overdosed, Gabriel and Castiel had been forced to stay a week at Rachel’s house, sharing a futon while Anna had a nice queen’s sized bed to herself.   
He wasn’t thrilled to go, but it wasn’t often Anna broke down the way she had. The futon was calling his name, he’d have to share it with Dean, god of all the people he’d prayed to have owned a couch. 

Dean smiled weakly at Castiel and nodded to nothing, “I have to call Sammy and tell him…” 

Cas nodded and turned away for a brief moment before turning back, “I’ll pack you something.”

Dean smiled once again, “Thanks Cas.”

The smaller boy turned and started down the hallway and up the stairs going to his room to grab himself and Dean something to wear for the day or two the four of them would be spending in Boulder. He sighed softly, he’d liked Rachel, he hadn’t known her well but knew she’d been through more shit than anyone deserved. Her dad had hit her, her mother killed herself and she found the body, her father then left her in care of her mother’s mother. It was a tragic story of loss; one Anna had walked him through many times.   
It only took him minutes to throw five shirts, six pants, several book, boxers, socks, and the necessary hygienic items. He packed extra in case of many situations which could possibly occur over the course several hours.

He was downstairs before the women and sat in awkward silence with Dean until his sister came downstairs, her small bump barely showing (even though she acted like she was nine months pregnant) and Cassidy supporting her, smiling sympathetically whenever their eyes met. 

It took the four twenty minutes to gather everything, turn everything off, call anyone who’d care, and all gather into Anna’s SUV. Cassidy wanted to drive, but wanted Dean to switch off if she got tired. Anna was sitting up front, nervously flipping through A Tale of Two Cities, something she’d read more times than anyone else Castiel knew. But she didn’t even bother attempting to pick out any words. Her mind was occupied by other things. 

Dean was shoved in the back with Castiel, the two sat as far away from each other as possible from each other, the two up front were too busy to notice to awkward silence between the two. 

A total of nineteen words were said the whole way there, the mood was grim and tense as Anna pointed the directions to Rachel’s house. The men hopped out of the car and Anna led them up front, unlocked the door with the key Rachel had given her the year Rachel had bought the small home.

“Cas knows where you’ll be staying, we’ll be back soon.” Anna gave them both a weak smile before heading back to the car, her eyes appeared to be broken. Castiel didn’t understand why she continued to be friends with someone who was constantly getting put in a hospital and having everyone worry about her. Still, Castiel led Dean into the ‘guest room’ where the same futon stood alone in a room with several boxes and abandoned tee shirts.

Dean blinked and shifted uncomfortably, “There isn’t a couch?” Castiel sighed and shook his head ‘no’. 

“You know if anyone walked in on two men, especially one with nail polish on, in the same bed, they might get the wrong idea.” Dean laughed, though the ‘joke’ he’d told lacked humor, in some way he found it funny. 

Castiel just smiled at him, then yawned. It was well past 2 a.m. and he was ready for the long night ahead of him. 

He turned to the futon and set his bag down beside it and set the ‘mattress’ flat, the blankets he’d used last time were still on top of a pile of boxes. He turned back to Dean, and watched in horror as Dean pulled off his shirt and tossed it aside, “You got any sweats in there?” Dean motioned to Castiel’s bag.

The blue eyed boy was rendered mute for a brief moment before opened the bag and tossing Dean his old sweats. And Dean just took off his jeans right there (Castiel was grateful for boxers) and slipped on the sweats before climbing onto the futon, looking expectedly at Castiel, “It’s freezing man.”

Castiel found himself, with the blankets in hand, joining Dean on the futon. He lost track of time, practically falling asleep from exhaustion and having a gorgeous ex lying down shirtless next to someone does that to someone. It was awkward at first, Castiel caught Dean looking at him several times before asking him if there was something on his face.  
“Can, um, we talk about what happened the other night, you know the thing.” Dean rolled over on his side to look at Castiel with ease.

“The kiss?” Castiel turned himself so he too was on his side facing Dean.

“Yeah… That.”

“I was a little overwhelmed, I kissed you. It’s probably not the first time it’s happened to you.”

“Oh, um… That’s it? I mean it didn’t mean anything did it?” Castiel almost swore Dean’s face dropped, he seemed upset for some reason Castiel couldn’t explain. He assumed Dean would be happy the kiss didn’t mean anything to Castiel; which was a lie, but Dean didn't have to know that.

“No, can we change the subject.”

“I’m sorry I called you that one night.” Dean’s eyes flicked back up to meet Castiel’s once more.

Castiel was tempted to ask ‘what night?’ but they both knew perfectly well that’d be a huge lie. So he just nodded and tried looking anywhere but Dean’s exposed chest.

“I got over that a long time ago Dean.”

“I figured, but I shouldn’t have done it.”

Both men nodded and Castiel rolled back onto his back, it quiet for a long time; Castiel could still feel Dean looking at him but neither threatened to break the pregnant silence.

“That guy you were with… What was his name?”

“Samandriel.”

“That’s a mouthful.” 

“He was, trust me.”

It was quiet for a few more moments before Dean broke out laughing, even Castiel smiled enough to meet Dean’s gaze once more.

“What happened, between you guys?” Dean’s breath was still a little rugged from Dean’s laughter, but he’d composed himself enough to speak, which surprised Castiel.

“He got scared.”

The statement didn’t need any further explanation, Dean understood. Castiel had loved him and he’d been afraid of loving him. Either for the fact Castiel was a man or that love is a big thing. Either way, Dean found himself hating the man for yet another reason.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not something you have to apologize for, you’re not him.” Castiel was on his side once more looking at Dean intently, this time inches closer; so he could almost feel the heat radiating off Dean.

Neither seemed to notice.

“Well, then I’m sorry for almost killing you the other night.”

Castiel broke out laughing and shoved the Winchester playfully before falling back on his back once again. It was nice to be laughing with Dean. He’d tried hating him and found the task impossible.

‘I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.’

Castiel felt Dean’s hand grasp his own, spite himself he turned a lit shade of pink; not that Dean could make out his features in the moonlit room.

Turning back to the Winchester he was unsurprised to find their lips pressed together. Once, seven years ago, Castiel had promised his virginity to Dean. Though the promise had been broken by both parties Castiel still felt if it would happen tonight, it would not only be like losing his virginity; it would be amazing.

The kiss was slow and savoring, unlike the other night; Castiel felt he had to take his time with this kiss or it’d be over too soon.

Dean let go of Castiel’s hand and trailed it slowly down his hip and settled it on his thigh; Castiel’s stomach was flipping, the kiss broke only for a second as Castiel struggled out of his shirt. Dean’s lips pressed against the skin Castiel revealed, as graceful Cas was trying to be, his elbow still managed to connect with Dean’s forehead. His apologies only earned laughs, and more kisses from the Winchester who wasted no time rolling Castiel onto his back and taking his spot on top of the lanky man. 

Castiel was rusty, he hadn’t slept with anyone since Samandriel had broken up with him, Dean seemed to notice he was taking his time with Cas; savoring everything, every touch, every lingering kiss on Castiel’s skin or mouth, it was taking much longer than Castiel was used to.

Normally he’d be done by now, sitting next to whoever had just fucked him and wondering why he’d even done that.

It took him several moments to realize Dean wanted to possibly make love to him. Not fuck him. The thought caught Castiel off guard, his hands fell from Dean’s arm and waist.   
Dean paused, his lips hovering over Castiel’s and eyed the other boy warily.

“Cas?”

[GO AWAY IF YOU DON’T LIKE GAY SEX CAUSE THAT’S WHAT THIS IS GOING TO BE RIGHT HERE. #SPOILERS]

Castiel looked Dean in the eyes, his jeans were straining and he could feel Dean’s half hard cock pressed against his thigh, both of them wanted this. Was it that big of a deal? Castiel blinked quickly and made up his mind, “Fuck me.”

He watched a small smirk cross over Dean features and he sat up, Castiel belt slipped out of the loops in almost slow motion Castiel was practically wiggling under him from desperation. Dean’s smug expression returned, he undid Castiel’s pants slowly and pulled them down with even slower tactics. Castiel could feel his warm breath on his member through his boxers. He made an agitated moan and trust his hips upward just enough for Dean to laugh and tease him more. 

Dean pulled away and kicked his sweats off, leaving both of them in nothing but boxers. The Winchester pulled at the elastic on Castiel’s boxers, letting it smack loudly against his hipbones. 

“I swear to god, Dean.”

“Swear what?”

Dean smirked as his fingers looped under the boxers, they didn’t move though, just separated his skin from the fabric.

“God, just please, Dean –“

Castiel’s boxers slipped off, and released his stiff member, he flinches against the cold, but soon found warmth once more as Dean took Castiel’s cock in his mouth. Castiel gasped loudly and half trust into Dean’s mouth, he could feel the vibrations of Dean’s chuckle against his throbbing member. It’d been too long since Castiel had experienced anything of this sort, he bit his lip to contain a scream. He could feel Dean’s teeth brush against him every now and then, not biting, just brushing and it was driving Castiel crazy.  
Dean’s head bobbed in sync with Castiel’s hips, Castiel couldn’t even think straight; his moans were almost nonstop as Dean’s warm, wet, heavenly mouth worked on his cock. He was close, but wanted to much more from Dean before it was over.

“Dean – I’m close…”

He felt cold as Dean’s mouth separated from him, but watched with fascination as Dean stuck three of his fingers in his mouth and swirled his tongue over each, wetting them for Castiel, who spread his legs and raised his hips for Dean.

Dean slowly slid his pointer finger inside Cas, it burned for only a second, but by now Castiel was half used to the feel of foreign objects in his ass. But Dean was slow and almost gentle with him, he felt his way around before adding a second finger; the process was still too slow for Castiel. He pressed down on Dean’s fingers, earning a small laugh as Dean started scissoring his pointer and middle finger inside Castiel. He added another, a third and final before pulling out of Castiel and spitting onto his hand. Again it took too long for him to rub saliva on his cock before lining himself up at Castiel’s entrance. 

He trust into Castiel with agonizing slow movements, “Dean, please.”

It began then, Dean thrust into him; causing Castiel to scream, but not in pain, in the sharp pleasure that shot through him. It overcame the small twinge of pain from Dean’s sudden movement. Dean’s hands gripped Castiel’s hips roughly, enough so Cas was certain there’d be bruises by morning.

Whatever thoughts Castiel had about making love were flushed away after Dean started fucking him, his thrusts were rough and on target, hitting his prostate every time; no one was home so Castiel had no problem screaming Dean’s name. But the thrusts were getting sloppy, and Castiel was right on the edge; he saw beads of sweat gather on Dean’s forehead.

One more thrust and Castiel came screaming Dean’s name, Dean’s hand tangled in Castiel’s hair and he came with a loud scream. He pulled out Castiel and collapsed on him. Both were shaking with the high effects of their orgasms. 

They spent the night spooning and kissing under a thick blanket that smelled like cigarettes and cum, but neither could care less.

‘She was a hurricane.’


End file.
